Dear Amy: I married my high school sweetheart. We’ve been together for 50 years.
We had a great sexual relationship until five years ago.
My husband has a serious drinking problem which I have tolerated for decades. He has called me nasty and vulgar names, and now does nothing but watch TV and drink. When my father died last year, he didn’t offer an ounce of compassion – instead he made a cruel remark that still hurts so much.
We are both retired now, and I found out that I have an illness. I would like to travel while I am able, but he has no desire to go anywhere.
His drinking has caused the loss of friends and family and I’m tired of making excuses for him.
I believe that I deserve to be happy at the end of my own life.
I’d rather finish my time on earth happy and single than miserably married!
I asked him to go to counseling and he claims he doesn’t need it, so I went to marriage counseling alone. I am still going – and it helps me tremendously!
Should I divorce and finish my life doing what I enjoy? Or should I follow the advice of a few friends who have said, why bother leaving him after so many years?
I want to say that it’s called “happiness,” but I feel like I am wrong justifying my feelings.
I’m so tired of living in misery.
– In Misery
Dear In Misery: You describe your life as miserable. And so – change it.
You’ve been seeking lots of advice from various constituencies, but you don’t mention seeing a lawyer. There are many practical and legal considerations you should educate yourself about, and after years of enabling and covering for your husband, it is time for you to take care of yourself.
While you are pursuing legal advice and considering your options, you should also plan a trip – and take it. Sign up with a tour group or go with friends.
Being away from your home environment and on your own will bring an important perspective to your options and the choices you must make.
Attending Al-anon meetings (Al-anon.org) would help you to understand some of your own behavior, and put you in proximity with others who are also coping with a loved one’s alcohol abuse.
Dear Amy: My wife and I have a 14-month-old baby. Overall we have adjusted pretty well to parenthood.
My wife works full time and I’m scheduled to take grad school classes three days a week, so we have been looking into daycare. We checked out some places and all had plusses and minuses. The one we thought might be the best for us is very close to my wife’s office, so it would be convenient to have our baby there.
We made an appointment and went over to tour the place.
It was clean and organized. There are about 10 babies in the “yellow room,” our child’s age group. When we went to look at the room, three of the babies were crying and the caregivers in the room were interacting with each other and did not respond to the babies.
We asked the director about this and she said that they don’t as a rule always respond to babies who cry because letting them cry “teaches them resilience.” She made this sound like their “best practice” policy.
Is this true? Should we feel comfortable leaving our child there?
– Concerned
Dear Concerned: Does ignoring babies when they cry teach them resilience?
No.
Mainly, neglect makes babies anxious. And so they cry more.
It’s an inescapable fact that babies do cry. Adults cannot always respond instantly when babies cry, and that’s life.
But should ignoring crying babies be a governing principle in a business where their sole function is to take care of babies and children? No. That’s nonsense.
Keep looking. Look for human warmth, a “pop in anytime” policy, and (if this appeals to you) cameras that allow you to monitor what’s going on.
Check online reviews, talk to people, and check out their social media presence.
And remember, it’s called day care, not don’t care.
Dear Amy: “Loving Husband” wondered how to respond to his wife when she noted how wrinkled and aged she looked.
My husband’s response: “In my eyes, I will always see you as when we first met.”
– Roxanna
Dear Roxanna: This is the beautiful and age-defying response I was trying to nudge this husband toward.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)