Dear Eric: I am a youngish widow with an empty nest. Last year I moved to be near my daughter to help her with her young twins. My daughter and her husband have jobs that require them to leave home at about 6 a.m. I arrive at their home at six, and they leave. The kids are still sleeping.
While I wait for them to wake up, I do a few chores. These are not deep cleaning, just things I would have loved to come home to as a working mom with young kids. I unload the dishwasher, clean up the kitchen, gather up any laundry, run a load of wash and fold whatever clean clothes are in the dryer.
By this time the kids are waking up. They are three years old and not fully potty trained. So, I am busy changing, feeding, dressing them and then taking them to daycare.
Sometimes the laundry doesn’t get folded “right”. By that I mean I put all the kids’ clothes in one stack, my son-in-law’s in a stack, my daughter’s in a stack and towels in another.
Frequently the clothes come out of the dryer inside out. I am quickly folding, feeding, and cleaning. My daughter has indicated my son-in-law is not happy with the way I fold the clothes and sometimes I just fold the T-shirts and don’t turn them right side out. I am tempted to just leave his clothes in the dryer, but that seems petty. I don’t want to interfere in her marriage, but I would appreciate an outside opinion.
– Clothes’d Off
Dear Clothes’d: Once a friend of the family came to babysit me and my brothers while my parents were away. She did a load of laundry and folded the towels in halves. We, as a family, fold the towels in thirds. My brothers and I found this outrageous. Well, let me be honest, I found it outrageous. I doubt my younger brothers cared. But when my parents came home, they were just grateful to have had the help.
Your daughter should stop reporting to you about what your son-in-law likes or doesn’t like in regards to the laundry. Getting this help is a privilege. And, at the end of the day, the clothes are going to get unfolded and put on bodies. (Well, actually the clothes are getting put on bodies at the beginning of the day.)
We all like the aspects of our home lives to be as we’d like them to be, but your son-in-law is making a mountain out of a pile of T-shirts.
Ask your daughter, “Would you rather I leave the laundry alone?” Maybe the answer is yes, which feels like a foolish choice on their part. However, if that is what they want, you may want to follow up by asking who will be doing the laundry if not you. The task shouldn’t automatically fall to your daughter, especially if it’s your son-in-law who is chock full of opinions.
Dear Eric: My 50th high school reunion is later this year and I’m not sure if I should
go. I was a smart kid who moved to an ex-urban town immediately before high school began. I was a science geek, creative, on the autism spectrum but undiagnosed, and a hard-core introvert who didn’t have traditional interests like other girls.
I was bullied by popular girls and jocks because I was a hippie who never conformed to the school’s culture. Needless to say, I moved to the city as soon as I could and never kept in touch with anyone.
Rather than immediately dismiss the idea of attending the 50th reunion, I’m somewhat curious about these people. There’s also a big part of me that fears they’ll still look down on me even though I did quite well professionally, creatively, and personally. An even bigger fear is that I still don’t have the social skills to navigate among people who are completely different from me and I’ll come off like an arrogant weirdo. Should I go or send my regrets?
– A Class Above
Dear Class: First, let me say that every class reunion I’ve been to has been delightfully awkward. Standing around eating chicken skewers while updating someone you had biology class with on the events of the last 50 years doesn’t come naturally.
So, embrace the awkward and go. If you don’t feel comfortable, you can leave and return to your successful life, but you’ll always be a little curious if you don’t.
Remember: this isn’t an accounting of your life’s progress. And it doesn’t have to mean comeuppance for your bullies (unless you want it to!) A reunion is a one-night coda on a particular, sometimes difficult, period in the past. Good for a momentary visit, but don’t stay too long.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
