Dear Eric: The manager at my place of work volunteers with a group that’s not related to our work. The volunteer group works with the court system to help women in recovery from substance abuse access community resources.
My co-workers and I hear our manager interact with other group volunteers when they occasionally meet at our workspace: manager loudly and effusively offers support to the other volunteers and promises unbounded support to the women in recovery.
The problem is when an individual in the recovery program calls or walks in to see the manager (whose office is in the back of the facility), the manager curses under her breath and disparages the women.
The manager usually still comes out to greet the person and will make a huge dramatic show of it, promising more help and support, and apparently never following through.
This is heartbreaking for me and my co-workers, but completely in line with the manager’s day-to-day treatment of us workers. One of my co-workers is close to a volunteer in the recovery program. Should they tell how the manager really reacts to the women?
– Volunteering Information
Dear Information: Not all help is good help. If this manager is willing to be so open about her distaste for the people she’s supposedly serving, it’s surely showing up in her volunteer work and negatively impacting the women in recovery.
Your co-worker should share your perspective with the volunteer group. If they’re worth their salt, they’ll want to know. And if they don’t care, you’ll see why the manager was attracted to them in the first place.
Dear Eric: My parents have a beautiful ocean-front beach house. I am a middle-aged woman who is a single mom of two children with no child support. I would love to have families down to enjoy the beach with us but don’t want the added expense of being the hostess.
While I have a great career and job, I use the summer months to save for the expensive oil bills in winter and the kids’ sports during the year.
So, even providing the hot dogs and hamburgers weekend after weekend is too expensive for me. I need help crafting an invite to politely ask people to bring their own food/drinks without sounding cheap. I am happy to provide the ice cream! Can you help?
– All Alone at the Beach
Dear Beach: I think politeness and directness are first cousins, so these may not be as light a touch as you want. But here’s two options:
“We’d love to host and feed everyone but with so many guests, it’s not doable. So, please bring whatever you and your kiddos want to eat and drink. Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty of fridge and freezer space. And I’ll provide the ice cream!”
Or, go the logistical route, Airbnb-style. List what folks can expect, amenities-wise (sheets, perhaps, toilet paper, etc.) and a “don’t forget” list, including things like sunscreen, favorite board games, and their food and drink for the weekend.
Rest assured: you don’t sound cheap. You’re providing them a whole house. They should be paying for your meals.
Dear Eric: Ten years ago, my partner and I moved to a new community, befriending a neighbor whose initial kindness impressed us greatly. The neighbor learned of my unemployment and generously enabled me to secure a position with his company.
In a professional setting, however, his was quite literally a Jekyll and Hyde transformation, revealing a persona that was manipulative, back-stabbing and reliably mean-spirited. His profanity-laced tirades routinely reduced colleagues to tears.
After a decade of his tyranny, I accepted a position with another company and soon thereafter retired to another state.
Since then, he has contacted me regularly to say he misses us as neighbors and would like to visit. While working for his company financially empowered us to make future plans previously beyond our means, I lack the ability to prioritize gratitude over memories of the emotional abuse to which he subjected my co-workers and me. My partner suggests I can tolerate anything for a few days. Am I wrong to feel otherwise?
– Conflicted Reunion
Dear Reunion: You tolerated him for a decade; don’t spend another second with him.
You’re grateful for his help in getting the job, you did the work in that job and so the pay isn’t part of a neighborly favor. That transaction is done.
I can’t help but think that his needling about a visit is also part of that Mr. Hyde side he has. I mean, it’s got you feeling bad, hasn’t it? That’s what bullies do.
You can tell him “You were a jerk at work and that’s why we can’t be friends” or you can simply decline and move on. Probably better to let a sleeping Hyde lie.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
