Dear Readers: Letter writer “Single By Choice” asked for advice relating to his choice to swear off dating after an erectile dysfunction diagnosis. Many responses poured in. What struck me about every single one of the responses was how empathetic and solution-focused they were. I’m sharing five of the replies in hopes that they inspire a new way of thinking for the letter writer and for anyone else in this position.
Dear Eric: I am a single woman in her early 60’s. Not all of us need to have sexual intercourse to be in a romantic relationship. For one reason or another sexual intercourse has been taken from some of us. We are able to still hold hands, cuddle, kiss and become best friends. We do this like any relationship: getting to know one another by talking, learning about each other’s interests and dislikes, etc…
– Companionship Takes Work
Dear Companionship: You’re right: intimacy is a whole-relationship and whole-body exercise.
Dear Eric: I wish “Single By Choice” knew how many women would be happy to have a man friend, a sweetheart even, who did not expect penetrative sex. For so many postmenopausal women, coitus is not comfortable. But loving feelings can be expressed in so many delightful ways without it. I understand it’s not easy to tell the lady about one’s capacities for sexual expression but give us a chance. Perhaps we will be relieved. If not, a lady can continue to look for her knight in shining armor elsewhere, and Single By Choice will perhaps have made a friend.
– It’s OK With Me
Dear OK: I love that you’ve highlighted the chance for platonic relationships to come out of potential romantic ones. So important.
Dear Eric: Without being graphic, there are so many ways to share intimacy without intercourse. My husband and I researched all the data, we went to lectures and he endured shots. We decided that our physical relationship was just fine as it was, thank you. Your advice was spot on, though. There are plenty of women who crave affection and intimacy, and ED would not be a dealbreaker.
– A Much-Loved Woman
Dear Much-Loved: So wonderful that you and your husband took this journey together.
Dear Eric: As one who also has experienced ED for many years and also has declined prosthetic implantation, I have learned from experience that full disclosure to the right person opens new vistas for both parties if there is a mutual willingness to experiment and a mutual desire to pleasure one’s partner. We all need the intimacy and deep emotional connection that sexual activity brings us.
– Happy Alternatives
Dear Happy: New vistas – what a great phrase. There are so many possibilities open to all of us when vulnerability and trust are available.
Dear Eric: You observed that not all romantic relationships involve sexual intimacy, which is true – and it’s even more true that not all sexual intimacy involves an erection. The letter writer (and others like him) might revolutionize his confidence, mojo and perception of his sexual competence with some classes or reading about this topic. At least where I live, there are pleasure-enhancing shops that sell toys and books, and which often have classes for all ages, genders, preferences, and biological abilities. There’s never been a better time to learn a fabulous sexual skill set.
– Romance Not Dead
Dear Romance: I love the suggestion of classes. There are a lot of trained experts who will happily teach new perspectives and skills. Thank you!
Dear Eric: My husband will be having elective surgery soon. We recently met a couple and talk turned to my husband’s surgery. The wife immediately told my husband his choice of doctors was horrible. He should definitely not allow this doctor to do his surgery.
I met the same couple a few days later and now she told me that the doctor was dangerous and had no business practicing medicine much less doing surgery.
I cited my lengthy experience in the healthcare field. I also talked to several friends that work at the hospital this doctor operates. These health-care workers all gave him wonderful reviews. He also has excellent Google reviews. But how do I get this woman to stop telling us how wrong we are? I’m in a situation where we are in the same group several times per week.
– Doctor Debate
Dear Debate: It sounds like this woman has either had an isolated bad experience or is carrying a grudge. Either way, you’ve done your research, so the opinions of a near-stranger don’t really matter. And you can tell her as much. “Thanks for your concern, but I’m happy with my decision and I am not interested in talking about it anymore. Hopefully, you can respect my boundaries so that we can keep interacting.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
