Dear Eric: I divorced my wife after 25 years of marriage. After she went on some medication for depression, her personality changed, and she became unfaithful with a series of men.
I never told my three children (now adults, early 30s) about the affairs to protect their relationships with their mother.
Over the last five years, she has alienated my kids against me with a series of false stories. I don’t know the details and my children are not willing to share.
I live on the other side of the country, and they are reluctant to see me. They are suggesting that I seek therapy. I have offered to do therapy with them, but they refuse.
How do I repair my relationship with them?
– Other Side of the Story
Dear Other Side: Take your kids’ suggestion and explore therapy on your own for now. This will, ideally, accomplish a few things. First, it can help you to process the events leading up to and following your divorce. No doubt there’s some harm there, some resentment. You should process that.
The second potential benefit: it’s a good faith gesture that could show your kids that you’re serious about repairing your relationship.
Third benefit: therapy can help you unpack the implications of these stories your ex-wife is telling about you. Even if there’s not even a kernel of truth to them, the fact that they believed the stories is going to color your relationship for a while. So, being able to be rigorously honest and searching within the safe confines of therapy will better equip you to have new, more productive conversations with your kids. And, hopefully, to find healing.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for more than 30 years. Recently at a family gathering his former wife made several unwarranted comments regarding my husband (who is the father of their only child). Additionally, to try and make a point, she “threw her own child under the bus,” so to speak.
I did not respond as to not create a scene. I think of my husband’s child as my own and would never want to hurt them in dealing with their mother. What is the best way to avoid unwanted, unwarranted, and snarky comments? There is an upcoming wedding and I just dread being around her.
– Ex-Strife
Dear Ex-Strife: Depending on how big the wedding is, my first suggestion is that you talk to anybody but her. It sounds like she’s feeding on the conflict, so if you don’t give her an audience, she’ll have to find something else to eat. Hopefully, the wedding food is good.
If she’s unavoidable, then directness is your best bet. “The last time we were together, you said some things about [husband] and [child] that I didn’t appreciate. You’re entitled to your feelings, but I don’t agree. I’d like to have a nice time tonight with you. Can we do that?”
It’s been more than 30 years since her marriage to your husband ended. She doesn’t have to be over whatever is bothering her (and, who knows, maybe some of her snark is justified). But it would be better for her if she was. Regardless, that conflict lives within her and between her and your husband. Your best bet is to draw a boundary and keep your distance.
Dear Eric: Our daughter went for a “visit” to Indiana with her boyfriend. My instinct that she was never coming back proved to be true. Then, about a year later, she sent us a long hateful email, blaming us for every perceived failure in her life.
I have forgiven her to the best of my ability. What hurts my heart the most is that my husband and other daughters can’t forgive her. My younger daughters won’t even say her name. How do I help them process the anger and grief so they can be more at peace? If I cannot do that, how can I grieve this alone?
– Abandoned Mom
Dear Mom: I’m so sorry. This estrangement has clearly sent shockwaves through your family. It’s not your responsibility to hold everyone together, though. Your husband and your daughters have to process this on their own time and in their own way. At some point, it will likely be helpful for all of you to work with a family therapist. They can help you, your husband, and your younger daughters sort out your feelings, work through your grief, and make a plan to move forward.
In the interim, take a look at the “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them” by Karl Pillemer. The story of the family that remains doesn’t end with your older daughter’s exit. Take care of yourself and share what you find helpful with your husband and younger daughters. They can find their way through this, too.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
