Dear Eric: My husband doesn’t live in the country in which he was born. Because of that, I’ve tried to connect with his family. We visited his family over the years and vice versa. He has a cousin who asked if we could stay in touch through the messaging app WhatsApp and her husband also requested to be included. Great!
Unfortunately, his wife uses the app to send every TikTok video she finds interesting, and every prayer printed on her links. I’m a Christian and love the Lord, but I don’t need 12 messages a day about anything from anyone.
Because my family is so close knit, I don’t want to sever the few ties he has, but I also don’t want to go crazy continuing in his cousin’s distribution loop.
– WhatsApprehension
Dear WhatsApprehension: We need a global conference on chat etiquette. The memes are out of control.
You have a few options here. If she’s sending the memes and videos directly, you can ask her to take you out of the rotation for the sake of your data, your notifications, or to keep you from distraction. It’s hard to take offense when someone says they simply don’t have the bandwidth (mental or technological) for every online find.
You can also mute her for a time, checking in when you need to chat or if you have a sudden appetite for viewing five hours of TikToks in a row. This option has its pitfalls, of course – what if she sends an important message amidst the barrage? But I’ve found that people who treat messaging apps like they’re curating a syllabus for a course on digital treasures don’t expect a response to each one.
One of the best things about WhatsApp is that you can mute for a specific amount of time – eight hours, a week, or until you unmute. So, if you don’t feel up to talking to her, consider taking week-long breaks and checking in on the prayer links every Sunday.
Dear Eric: My 35-year-old brother “Jeff” lives in another state and has been dating and living with his 25-year-old girlfriend for five years. He has flown home to visit us several times over the years but has never brought her with him to meet us.
At the beginning of the relationship, she was very abusive toward him. He had her arrested and thrown in jail once.
He has admitted not loving her and not being attracted to her anymore but has continued his relationship with her. He obviously does not give us any reason to support his relationship.
Our mother paid for an all-inclusive family trip for him, our (single) brother, my husband and myself. She did not invite his girlfriend because she has never met any of us. “Jeff” was offended by this, so decided he wasn’t going on the vacation.
He and I argued because he told me our mom purposely didn’t invite the girlfriend just to upset him, but I know that is not true because our mother was very troubled about her decision and her approach to him.
So, now our biggest fears have come true. He doesn’t speak to any of us. He has completely isolated himself with the girlfriend thousands of miles away. I know he has no friends, therefore is dependent on her. I miss him, and I worry so much about his well-being. I know he won’t welcome me with open arms because I do not support his relationship, but how do I approach him to try to reconcile?
– Worried About Baby Bro
Dear Worried: The easiest path may not be the best path here. It seems likely that if you concede to his reality – his girlfriend is a “part of the family”; the problems of the past don’t exist – he’ll reconcile. But that doesn’t help anyone.
Jeff has been very clear about the issues he has with his relationship (some of which are of his own creation), and he hasn’t made any efforts to join the two houses. The girlfriend is a stranger who has a pattern of abuse. Why would you include her?
His isolation could also be a part of the abuse. To start to rebuild your bridge, you should focus on the relationship that you have with Jeff as siblings. Tell him that you’ve missed him and what you appreciate about him. Tell him that you’d like to be in each other’s lives again.
See if you can keep this conversation from becoming focused on a single issue. The big ideas are that you love him, you care about him, and you miss him. Building from that, down the line you can start to ask probing questions about how he feels and how he can get the help he needs to leave this behind.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
