Dear Eric: I am a 55-year-old female who has a disabled daughter. The father is long gone from the picture. I make a middle income living and could live comfortably if it were not for my disabled daughter. Things go well for a while and then a crisis occurs, and she is back in the hospital accruing large medical bills.
I have one brother, and he is a billionaire. We live in the same town, but we haven’t seen each other since my mom died. We never had a harsh word or anything. I think he just hangs around with a different class of people.
I do everything I can to economize. I drive a 20-year-old car, buy my clothes at the 99 cent Goodwill sale and own a very modest home.
I just feel very sad that I have a brother who is so wealthy and never thinks about helping me. He uses a private jet when he flies, takes fantastic trips, vacation homes all over the country, etc. I just wish with all his money; he would offer to help me pay off some of my medical bills. He does know I am struggling.
– In Need of Help
Dear Help: I know it’s painful to feel overlooked by your brother, especially at a time when you’re working so hard to make ends meet. That’s a tough situation and I wish he’d proactively offered to help you.
The fact that he hasn’t, however, isn’t necessarily an indicator that he’s unwilling. Have you tried reaching out with a specific request? Perhaps he can help with medical bills or even subsidize better insurance so that the bills go down. Perhaps he can help you get a new car, or even offer you the respite of a vacation. Going in with a plan, and a set number, may help him understand the opportunity he has to lend a hand.
A gift is best, of course, but you might also suggest a no-interest loan.
It can be hard to make these asks – it’s a vulnerable position and the fear of getting a “no” is understandably daunting. But I hope you give him the chance and I hope that he takes it.
Dear Eric: Frequently the advice is to find or consult with a therapist. We live in a large city with an overwhelming number of options. Where do you start and how do you find the right person that will gel well with your needs and personality?
– Searching
Dear Searching: Great question! Start by thinking about your goals. While you don’t have to have a clear idea of what the end result looks like, thinking through your hopes for a therapeutic relationship will guide your search.
Use a website like PsychologyToday.com to filter therapists in your area by any criteria that are important to you, like therapists who specialize in working with children, or therapists who have experience with clients on the autism spectrum.
The wide range of filters can also help you think through other aspects of this relationship that might be important to you, such as race, religious affiliation (if any), and experience working with certain communities, like the LGBTQ population.
Next, you may want to familiarize yourself with the different types of therapy offered. You don’t have to be an expert, of course, but it may be less daunting to google some of the terms with which you’re not familiar, like cognitive behavioral therapy or internal family systems. GoodTherapy.org has a wonderful primer on some of the different types.
When you reach out to a therapist, they’ll schedule a 15-minute consultation, usually by phone. This is a good time to get a sense of how this relationship might work.
Some questions to consider asking:
What type of therapy do you practice, and can you give me an example of what that would look like in session?
Do you work with an agenda in session, and do you recommend doing “homework” between sessions?
How often do you recommend meeting and do you work online or in-person?
Do you offer feedback and response in-session?
There’s no right answer. This is more about finding a style and approach that works for you.
If it feels promising and you schedule an intake, don’t be afraid to continue asking questions and give feedback where appropriate. Also, be open to the possibility that you may not find a match that works for you right away. Therapists understand that this is a process to which you are both contributing. It’s fine to say, “this aspect doesn’t feel right; can we talk about it?”
As with any other relationship, professional or personal, it may take time to find your groove. Please don’t let any trial and error discourage you. It’s worth the time you put into it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
