Dear Eric: My father passed from cancer in 2020. He and my mother were married for 53 years. One year later, my only sibling died suddenly from a massive heart attack. So, it’s just my mother and I left. We have never had a good relationship. Very tense, lots of jealousy (her, not me).
Both my parents were very close to my children growing up. Since my dad and brother have passed, my mom is increasingly mean, angry, rude and spreads rumors about me and my kids. To the point where she told several people, including my long-term boyfriend, that I cheated on my ex-husband (the father of my children). That is an out-and-out lie.
I am at a place in my life where I am no longer willing to allow her to disturb my peace. My question is, as her only living child, am I in the wrong? We live two states away, when I do see her, we are fine in short spurts. But unless she is here visiting, there is no contact by my choice. Can you offer some advice?
– Distant Relatives
Dear Relatives: I’m very sorry for the losses you endured. Navigating grief is hard enough without also having to navigate a contentious and possibly abusive relationship with your mother as well. Given that things were never great with you, and that her grief process may be prompting her to act out in unkind and unhealthy ways, the boundary you’ve set sounds like a healthy one. There’s healing to be done all around, but it can’t be done if your relationship with your mother is creating new emotional injuries.
It could be productive to tell her, in a calm moment, about why you’re setting a boundary and what it is. “From my perspective, every time we are together [x happens] and that’s not something that I’m willing to endure. I’d like to find a different way of relating to each other. If you’re interested in working on this together, I’m open to it. But, as we figure that out, these shorter visits are the best option for me.”
Relationships evolve over their lifetimes. For them to remain healthy, we have to advocate for what we need and be clear about what’s not acceptable.
Dear Eric: Regarding “Lost Reference”, a letter written by someone who had a supervisor ghost on a reference for a second job: There is another and quite likely reason the supervisor did not send a reference for her employee. She feared the employee would do so well at his part-time job that the new employer would offer the employee a full-time job and she would lose her great employee. A young employee with few employer references can use a former teacher, religious leader, older long-time friend or close neighbor as a reference.
– Other Option
Dear Option: This is great guidance. Sometimes jobseekers can face a catch-22 – potential employers want employment references, but how can one get references without employment? In some cases, character-based references are acceptable and can speak to an applicant’s work-readiness, ethics and drive.
Dear Eric: I read the letter from “At a Crossroads”, who felt that she’d been unkind to her husband after his traumatic brain injury. I wonder if the wife needs as much counseling or more than her husband.
Almost four years ago, at the height of COVID, I was hit by a car walking across the street. I was in a hospital for several months clinging to life. My wife was told the first week that it was unlikely I would make it, and, because of COVID, she was barred from seeing me.
She was supportive while I was undergoing numerous surgical procedures to save my life. When I finally left the hospital, I was a very bitter person. What I realized was, although I was the one in unmanageable pain, she too suffered great emotional pain and suffering. We talked about splitting, too. Our relationship forever changed. However, we never gave up and today we are grateful we never gave up on each other. It takes faith and time to overcome tragedies, especially when the pain cuts so deep, it’s hard to cope with.
– Been at the Crossroads
Dear Crossroads: Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry for what you endured, both physically and emotionally. Empathy, like that which you extended to your wife, is to my mind, one of the greatest gifts we can give each other. And ourselves. Even in the middle of unimaginable pain, you were able to step outside of yourself and consider how another person might be experiencing life. That’s not always doable and it’s rarely easy. But when we can manage it, empathy can radically change our lives, our mindsets and our relationships.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
