Dear Eric: My husband’s parents are divorced. In the last year or so (after being married to their son for nine years) my in-laws have started communicating with me instead of my husband to make plans. Example: My husband called his dad to make New Year’s plans. A few days later, my father-in-law texted me with the details about times to arrive and eat.
Neither my husband nor I like this. I find it overwhelming to deal with the planning of his family and mine, as well as all the other details for two kids. My husband feels left out of the loop and that they are treating him like an incompetent child.
There was not an incident or anything where my husband failed at making plans. What is the best way to communicate to each of my in-laws that they need to contact their son and not me?
– Communication Breakdown
Dear Communication: Your in-laws might see you as “the planner.” Maybe you reply to texts faster or are a whiz with the family calendar. It’s a gift that can become a curse, especially with divorced in-laws who aren’t coordinating schedules.
The easiest path forward is for your husband to address it directly. Indeed, the fact that your husband finds it as frustrating as you do, but you’re the one who reached out about it might indicate an area of opportunity here.
He has the power to get back into the proverbial loop by being even more proactive about guiding his parent’s habits and expectations. He can say to them, “[Your name] has a really full plate; I’m going to be handling family planning going forward.” This might take some gentle redirection before it sticks.
For instance, in the case of New Year’s plans, when you got the text from your father-in-law, you might have replied, “Can you send this to [husband]? He’s managing the plan.” It’s an extra step, yes. But the combination of your husband directly asking for what you both want and you reminding your in-laws of the best communication pathways should make future plans smoother for everyone.
Dear Eric: My four siblings and I were reared by a cruelly abusive mother. We all carried heavy baggage with us into our adult lives. Our symptoms are classics; addictions, low self-esteem, attachment disorder, over/under achievement, introversion and loneliness,
to name some.
The addiction cycle claimed my older brother and younger sister who both succumbed in their 50s.
I’ve never enjoyed spending time with or speaking with my mother, as I still see her as evil and unrepentant, and indeed, she’s still quite willing and able to lash out verbally when she finds it convenient. She has never expressed any awareness of or remorse for the damage she did.
She hasn’t much time left on this earth; at 93 she’s failing physically and mentally. She is a lonely woman who lives alone. I still visit her to take care of handy-man tasks, have lunch, at holidays, etc.
Why do I (and should I) continue to spend time with her when it still activates my PTSD? Is it (probably) too late to say anything to her about my perceptions (I’m afraid the conversation wouldn’t go well, likely resulting in a total cessation of contact)? And should I feel obligated to say anything kind about her after she’s passed?
– Troubled Son
Dear Son: Even though you may, at times, chastise yourself for spending time with your mother and helping her with tasks, please try to allow yourself some grace. You’re trying to do the right thing and, likely, also hoping that this kindness can earn some kindness in return. These are things that you can unpack and start to heal in therapy. There’s a lot there and it’s not too late to start, if you haven’t already.
You ask if it’s too late to say something to her about what you’ve experienced. It’s not. However, as you prepare for the conversation, remember that this person may not be willing or able to give you what you need.
That doesn’t mean you can’t ask for it. But it does mean that you will also want to share your truth with others, a loved one or friend, who can hold it with you and help you process it.
What to say when she passes, if anything, is also a question of expectations. Try to separate what you need in order to find peace from what you feel she’d demand of you. I think what you’re really asking is if you need to continue to operate under her terms, now or in the future. You don’t. Your truth is your guiding star. Even if she won’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t diminish it, nor does it mean you shouldn’t follow it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
