Just how bad was Super Bowl LIX?
Try 2024 Chicago White Sox bad.
Will Smith Oscars punch bad.
Pauly Shore movie catalogue bad.
So bad they might have to change the name from Super Bowl LIX to Super Bowl SUX.
There have been worse games, perhaps, than the Philadelphia Eagles’ 40-22 rout of the Kansas City Chiefs, a snoozer from the second quarter on. But this dull game was complemented by a pregame show in which the U.S. president spoke of annexing Canada, a halftime show that needed a Gen Z translator and a batch of overwrought corporate commercials preaching religion, patriotism and the NFL.
Capping it all off was Tom Brady doing what he does worst: talking.
Here are the 10 worst things about this year’s Super Bowl:
1. The Chiefs
They came dressed to kill, then got undressed by the Eagles defense. Quarterback/product endorser Patrick Mahomes padded his stats in garbage time, but when it mattered in the first half, he went 6 of 14 for 33 yards and threw a pick-six and another interception that led to an Eagles touchdown to put the game out of reach.
Mahomes’ 10.7 passer rating in the first half qualified him to be an honorary Chicago Bears quarterback.
2. Brad Pitt and Fox
The actor informed us in a taped piece that aired on Fox before the game that the “huddle” is the key to American ingenuity. Clips of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and 9/11 firefighters showed how great this country is when we all huddle together as one.
Meanwhile, the corporation that owns the network televising the game has been trying to divide that very same nation for decades through its propaganda-spewing news network, Fox News. Go figure.
3. Religious ads
The Super Sunday event aired commercials promoting both Scientology and Christianity, with Johnny Cash’s version of the hummable Depeche Mode song “Personal Jesus” as the backdrop for humans helping each other. The thing is, if you have enough money to spend $8 million per 30 seconds on a Super Bowl ad, shouldn’t you be actually giving it to people in dire need of help?
Meanwhile, the Eagles coach and players thanked God after their win as though their spiritual beliefs made the Chiefs offensive line collapse without any blitzing.
4. An overdose of former Patriots
As if listening to Brady all day wasn’t enough, we also had to endure Julian Edelman on the pregame show and elderly chick magnet Bill Belichick in the traditionally moronic Dunkin Donuts ad starring J-Lo’s double-ex, Ben Affleck, and his more talented brother, whatshisname. No wonder everyone hates the Patriots … and Boston.
5. The halftime show
The NFL’s decision in 2019 to turn over the Super Bowl halftime show to Jay-Z’s Roc Nation apparently means only one form of music — hip-hop — will be heard from now on, dividing an already divided nation. Tens of millions of viewers who don’t like hip-hop and didn’t care to hear the story behind Kendrick Lamar’s “diss track” were trapped for 20 minutes.
Many others thought it was brilliant. One New York Times critic described Lamar’s show as “the master of hip-hop building as salacious button smasher” while noting tennis star Serena Williams was “crimped out and crunk.” I have no idea what he’s talking about, and I assume I’m not alone.
If we can vote on musical acts for reality shows such as “American Idol,” surely we can come up with a suitable way to vote for next year’s Super Bowl halftime act.
6. Celebrity fans
Jon Hamm, who portrayed himself as a St. Louis Rams fan when he was starring in “Mad Men,” was dressed up in a Chiefs jersey Sunday and introduced the team as it ran onto the field. Nothing’s worse than a celebrity who chooses whichever “hometown” team best suits his personal brand. When Paul Rudd, a true Chiefs fan, was deprived of this honor, you knew it was a bad omen.
Late in the Eagles’ blowout, a “candid” shot of comedian Kevin Hart in the stands led Brady to feign shock that the cameras even could find him, a reference to Hart’s height. Brady’s joke writers will not be invited to the Kevin Hart roast.
Maybe the most lasting moment of the evening was the Superdome crowd booing Taylor Swift when she appeared on the jumbotron, a byproduct of Fox, CBS, NBC, ESPN and Prime Video constantly showing her cheering at Chiefs games. For football fans at least, the Swift sightings have finally jumped the shark.
7. The fawning Trump ‘interview’
President Donald Trump told a subservient Fox News reporter he was surprised to be the first sitting president to attend a Super Bowl, just one more thing he’s apparently clueless about. Trump mostly replayed his greatest rants, repeating that he’s “serious” about making Canada the 51st state, then picking the Chiefs to win while bragging that Mahomes’ wife, Brittany, is “a Trump fan and a MAGA fan.”
The president was most thrilled to be asked the hard-hitting question about inspiring the “Trump dance” performed by celebrating NFL players. Of course, Trump wasn’t asked whether his feelings about NFL players had changed since 2017, when he called them “sons of bitches” for protesting police brutality against Black people. Maybe next Super Bowl.
8. Harrison Ford
The actor/pilot who is well-known for crashing his plane onto a golf course and overshooting a runway is trying to persuade us to buy a car? “Life doesn’t come with an owner’s manual,” he tells viewers at the start of his Jeep commercial. No, but airplanes do. Maybe Ford should read one sometime.
9. Snoop Dogg
His monologue poking fun at NFL players at the NFL Honors ceremony was Oscar-worthy in its lameness. Mr. Dogg, if you insist on being a part of every big athletic event, please get some better writers.
10. Fox’s score bug
At least Fox discovered one thing that united the nation: a universal hatred of its Super Bowl score bug.
