There’s not a whole lot more troubling than watching the meltdown of a marriage … even from afar.
Certainly we have been exposed to plenty of marital drama that’s really none of our business. Celebrity breakups can be particularly messy, albeit entertaining. And few among us have not watched at least a couple of “Dr. Phil” episodes, where warring couples air their dirty laundry in front of millions of TV watchers.
I have to admit, my fascination comes not so much from the folksy advice the popular TV therapist dishes out but from the fact that normal (to fairly normal) couples would go in front of a worldwide audience to expose the most private details of their lives.
Which is why I was intrigued by a recent social media post from a woman – identified by full name and community – seeking suggestions on how to deal with her cold, loveless marriage.
The post quickly drew dozens of responses, with most “neighbors” offering advice to the woman on how to deal with what she described as a verbally abusive and manipulative spouse.
Some, relying on their own personal experiences, suggested a good attorney, or a good self-help book, or a good counterattack.
“Pretend like there’s nothing he can say or do that will ever hurt you again,” advised one supporter.
“Play his game and leave ASAP,” said another.
No doubt the many sympathetic replies that came her way were sincere. This wife was obviously hurting, even desperate to have reached out to virtual strangers for help.
I was not surprised, however, when others jumped in with feelings that more closely reflected my own.
“Not posting this would be prudent,” was one calm suggestion.
“Why are you telling the world about your marriage?” asked a second person.
“This is one-sided. Hardly anyone here is qualified to give advice,” noted a third.
Others were more blunt.
“Delete this post, contact an attorney,” insisted another.
“Cringe worthy,” declared one woman. “Absolutely unbelievable that this site is now a therapy site with advocates for the aggrieved without hearing from the other party. I am absolutely aghast.”
Supporters, of course, turned on the critics.
“Many feel her pain and hurt,” wrote one sympathizer. “Many of them don’t feel at all … sadly.”
Count me among those who did not question this woman’s feelings. But I do question her judgement.
The idea behind these social media sites is that sharing personal information can help strengthen connections and build a sense of community, and that it’s OK to discuss the types of things you would share in person.
Seriously? No.
Too many people seem to forget this is not a small group of close friends. Or your hairdresser, for that matter. Putting such private details online is like standing in the middle of a crowd of strangers and shouting your problems for all to hear.
It’s not surprising the post was later deleted.
Turns out public shaming is in violation of these sites, along with berating, bullying, insults and threats. What this wife obviously was looking for was support and resources. And she got both.
But at what cost?
A therapist friend tells me that, “reading between the lines, there seemed to be a revenge component” at play, with a spouse hurting so badly she doesn’t care about the legal, emotional or physical consequences of revealing such a personal message so publicly.
Certainly these virtual hang-outs have come a long way from just being about finding a good plumber or a lost dog. Which says something critical about our real-world neighborhoods and the people who live in them.
“I am noticing more pleas for help” on these sites, noted my therapist friend. “And that is an indication of how isolated people are.”
Indeed. Not everyone has that one person or group they can count on in times of need.
And so, “we are turning to what is available, the internet,” she concluded, “and using that vehicle to reach out to get whatever help we can.”
dcrosby@tribpub.com
