Dear Eric: I am a married man in my 60s and a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for eight months. Prior to rehab I put my wonderful wife through hell for years. Not physically, but emotionally with my constant drunkenness. I am now in a great place, feeling and looking as good as ever, engaged and productive. Unfortunately, my wife is stuck in a funk. She is happy for me, but it hasn’t resulted in her own happiness. I have suggested therapy and Al-Anon and she agrees but doesn’t act on it. I am encouraging her but I am also on eggshells because I caused the problem in the first place and don’t want to push too hard. What to do?
– Husband on Eggshells
Dear Husband: There’s a saying that some people in recovery communities use: time takes time. Just as it took the time it’s taken for you to find sobriety, and the changes sobriety has brought about in your life, it will take time for your wife to adjust to this new world.
Your suggestions of Al-Anon and therapy are good ones, but they have to be her choice. Even though you’re changing for the better, there’s probably a lot of old trauma that’s coming up for your wife right now and maybe that’s making it hard for her to find a path to happiness. The best thing that you can do right now is to continue to work on your sobriety and continue to have open, non-prodding conversations with her about what’s going on with you, with her and what happened in the past. Let her feel her feelings and acknowledge them. If she wants to talk, listen without making suggestions. Also, remember that right now you may not be the person with whom she can discuss this journey.
Transformation didn’t happen overnight for you, and it won’t happen overnight for her. In short, give her time.
Dear Eric: My partner and I have been invited to a couple of get-togethers with some folks, and they’ve asked us to host the next one. That’s fine with us, except we live in an area where wildfires are a regular concern, and one of them is married to a smoker.
I don’t want to be a bad host, but I don’t want the smoking. Blame it on my probably irrational fear that they could start a major blaze, and honestly, the fact that I just don’t want them smoking in my yard, around my child, by me. What can I do to make sure they aren’t smoking here?
Is this even an acceptable request? Do I place blame on some crazy insurance company requirement? What can I do?
– Burning Questions, Not Hillsides
Dear Hillsides: Unless your friends are Don and Betty Draper of “Mad Men,” they shouldn’t mind a no smoking request. Know that it’s absolutely within your right to let folks know in advance that you have a smoke-free house and that includes the yard. You can cite the very real risk of wildfires and also the danger of secondhand smoke around your child, even outside. But also, it’s your home and your yard. People who smoke understand that even outside there are places where smoking doesn’t fly. Enjoy your get-together!
Dear Eric: I’m an avid gardener in a suburban neighborhood, and in turn, I meet lots of neighbors. There’s one lady who keeps stopping by with questions for her yard, which I’m happy to share. However, she asked if I would go with her to the local nursery to help her select ones for her garden bed, to which I agreed. She canceled at the last minute both times via text. No apologies were given.
Since then, she’s knocked on my door and continues to text me with questions, without a please or thank you. Her last text said she was able to pick up the plants on a specific day but wasn’t feeling well enough to plant them (hint hint).
All this after I’ve told her no that doesn’t work for me.
My husband suggested quoting her my rate for services; however, I have no desire to communicate on any level with her. Is it rude to block her and ignore her?
– Garden Plot
Dear Garden: Yeah, it’s a little rude. Sometimes blocking is the only recourse, though. Before you do that, though, have you tried telling her directly that you can’t be her garden go-to anymore because of the cancellations and the lack of appreciation? That may be opening up a can of worms, and not the kind that are good for soil aeration. But if you block her without a conversation, it’s not like she doesn’t know where you live. Probably best to say, “enough is enough” and let nature run its course.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
