Dear Amy: My father in-law is a retired law enforcement officer. Due to scientific advances since his retirement, it turns out that much of his career was a sham. DNA evidence has exonerated many of the people that he put behind bars – to such a large extent that a television network chose to air a story about him and his corrupt practices a number of years ago.
He claims that he did the best with the information that he had.
Nevertheless, it has become obvious that he let his own biases and prejudices, and yes, racism, get the better of him and he put innocent people in jail.
This has become the family secret that no one talks about.
My children, now almost adults, only know that their grandfather had a distinguished career in law enforcement.
He is now in poor health and I am struggling with whether or not my children deserve to hear the truth about their grandfather.
On the one hand there seems to be nothing to gain by telling them the truth, but on the other hand, well, it’s the truth and perhaps they should know it.
Your Advice?
– On the Fence
Dear On the Fence: Yes, your children do deserve to know the truth about their grandfather, but I don’t believe this is the right time, or you are the right person, to deliver it.
This man is your father-in-law. I assume that you have a spouse on the scene and that this person is your father-in-law’s child. You should encourage your spouse to approach this topic from a place of disclosure and honesty, but your spouse should make some basic choices about the timing.
If your father-in-law’s unlawful acts resulted in a televised depiction of his corruption, your children will find it if they Google his name.
After your father-in-law’s death, obituaries might note some of these scandals and crimes, inspiring your children to ask you about his history. You should point them toward accurate sources for information, and encourage them to ask family members about their grandfather’s role in this terrible and tragic history.
They might expect some defensive responses or even stonewalling from family members, which is why they should seek more accurate or media sources for this information.
Dear Amy: My wife and I have three teenage children. They are good kids and all are doing well in school.
The issue I have concerns my idea to reward the kids by letting them have a couple of extra days off of school before spring break because we were planning to fly to a resort and our flight leaves at a very early hour on Saturday. I thought it would be good for them to rest up on Thursday and prepare for the trip on Friday.
I told the kids about this idea and they were totally on board.
My wife has now totally dug in about this. She is someone who doesn’t believe in taking breaks from school unless they are sick, and she is very strict about this.
She is mad at me and I’m not sure what to do.
– Upset Dad
Dear Dad: This is the sort of decision that parents should make together.
In addition to emphasizing the important parenting choice to act as a team, I assume that if you had discussed this with her beforehand, your wife would have convinced you that kids don’t really need “a break” from school immediately before a scheduled 10-day-long break spent at a resort.
What you describe as “dug in,” I would describe as consistent and stable parenting which emphasizes education, while also demonstrating pro-social values about keeping your commitments.
While they are in high school, you shouldn’t offer time off as a “reward” for doing well in school. Doing well is the reward for their hard work.
I think you owe her an apology for making an important parenting choice without discussing it with her.
Your reward is that you get to tell the kids that they are going to finish out their scheduled school week before going on vacation.
Dear Amy: You affirmed a “Modern-day Greta Garbo’s” desire to be alone for long periods, but while I can see how my sister, daughter or female friends might want this, I don’t know of many men who would want their wives to spend a month away.
– Happy Husband
Dear Happy: I believe that mutual solitude can be a good thing for couples, especially if they both know how to take good care of themselves.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
