Dear Amy: I need to resolve an issue concerning my close friend, “Brian” and my ex-girlfriend.
The three of us used to socialize together when my ex and I were still a couple.
Brian told me that he has not seen my former girlfriend after our breakup except once, accidentally.
However, a couple of days ago Brian volunteered to me that he has recently been patronizing the restaurant where my ex used to work (my understanding was that she no longer worked there, but a reliable source told me that she does indeed still work there).
It is not the type of restaurant that Brian would frequent because of his limited choices of cuisine.
I suspect that the only reason he would go there is because he always liked her and that she works there.
I realize that I cannot expect to impose my will on who Brian chooses to associate with, but it makes me very uncomfortable that it appears that he is being untruthful.
I really don’t want to end my friendship, but now I can’t trust him.
Should I confront him, or should I just end my friendship, which is something I really don’t want to do?
If Brian wanted to have some type of relationship with my former girlfriend and if he was honest about that, then my feelings about this might have been different.
I am confused and hurt.
Can you offer some advice?
– K
Dear K: You state that you might be fine with “Brian” spending time with your former girlfriend, but I think it’s important that you simply admit to yourself that you’re feeling a little bit lost and hurt. You are also overly invested and speculating. You haven’t quite left the relationship with your ex.
It is natural not to want your close friend associating with your former girlfriend. Even though you understand that you cannot control another person’s associations, if you are trying your hardest to stay away from someone, you want for others to also respect this boundary.
I’d say that it is also natural for Brian to withhold this information from you – because he wants to maintain both friendships (and look at how you are reacting!).
I don’t love the terminology behind “bro” and “girl” codes, but the basics do seem to be timeless, as well as understandable, because they have to do with putting your friends first – especially when the chips are down.
Don’t hold onto your suspicion and speculation. Talk with Brian about this.
Tell him, honestly, that you know he has the right to maintain a friendship with your ex, but that – right now – it hurts. If he denies spending time with her, then you should choose to believe him.
Ultimately, trust is a choice, and if you lose your friendship with Brian, then your failed relationship with your ex will have also robbed you of an important friendship.
Dear Amy: My girlfriend of three years recently revealed a very deep and personal issue about me to a group of people.
We were at a party and she was drunk, but I was completely shocked and felt betrayed. This issue was one I shared with her with the understanding that I wanted to keep it completely private. Two people at this party are family members of mine and they were specifically the people I did not want to tell.
She knew that this was a deep secret she was holding.
I’m devastated and don’t want to be with her anymore.
She is begging for my forgiveness and says the fact that she was drunk should make this excusable.
What do you think I should do?
– Devastated
Dear Devastated: I think you should forgive her.
I also think you should break up with her.
Being drunk might excuse you having to hold her hair while she vomits into the toilet. Being drunk is no excuse for violating your privacy and the agreement you two had.
Dear Amy: I would like your advice.
I have been with my girlfriend for two years. I work as a critical care paramedic.
I have been offered six months’ work in Australia training new paramedics.
My girlfriend has told me point blank that I am not going.
She is very controlling. She says that if I go this shows that I don’t love her.
But I think this is a chance of a lifetime. What do you think?
– Paramedic
Dear Paramedic: Take the job, ditch the girl.
I hope you have an amazing adventure.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
