Dear Readers: To mark my final week writing this column, I’m rerunning some of my most memorable questions and answers. Today I’m sharing a thoughtful update from a reader whose question was first published in 2019. Her update follows the original Q&A.
Dear Amy: About five years ago, I completed a Ph.D. under the guidance of an amazing woman, “Daisy.” She had a truly transformational impact on my life and I owe her a huge debt.
We formed a close bond and she introduced me to her husband and daughter on several occasions. After graduation, we’ve seen each other on a roughly annual basis.
Normally when I have a free day or am passing by her campus, I’ll ask her for a coffee or lunch. I think about her often.
Here is my quandary: I have recently found out that six months ago her daughter was in a freak accident and is now paralyzed from the waist down. The story made the national press, but I only found out it was Daisy’s daughter through an unconnected, professional contact.
I desperately want to reach out to Daisy and her daughter but am unsure how to do so.
Do I mention the accident, or do I simply reach out to ask her for a coffee and see if she brings it up? I don’t want to be insensitive but also want to be there for my friend in this time of need.
– Lost in London
Dear Lost: You should definitely reach out, and you should express your sympathy and concern.
Here’s a start: “Dear Daisy, I was so saddened to learn of your daughter’s accident. I am so grateful for your mentorship and friendship to me over the years. Please know that I am thinking about all of you now. I’ll be in the area soon and would love to see both of you again, if possible.”
Please understand that it is compassionate and appropriate to connect, even if you aren’t sure what to say, and even if you can’t offer a solution to a particular problem. So often, people choose to back away during challenging times. Don’t ghost your friend now.
Following is an inspiring “Update” from – Lost in London:
Dear Amy: You encouraged me to reach out and reminded me that in times of stress and grief, people tend to withdraw from others for fear of overreaching or embarrassment, or saying the wrong thing, when actually we need to step forward and be there for our friends and colleagues.
In that case I did reach out and met up with my mentor, “Daisy,” and we had a wonderful catch-up and continue our relationship.
But perhaps more importantly, your specific advice on that day, and in every other column you have published, echoes the same themes: steady, compassionate friendship; the importance self-care, self-love and boundary setting; and a recognition that sometimes things are outside of your power, and you need to learn to make peace with them.
Your words in your response to me, and those you’ve provided to so many others have guided my approach to the world, mainly that “you just show up.” That might be physically in helping a friend pack and move boxes while clearing out a parent’s home, or emotionally in giving a call to a friend you’ve been thinking about, extending an olive branch to an estranged family member, or showing up for yourself by removing toxic influences from your life.
Showing up, when compassion, empathy, love and support are the motivating factors is seldom the wrong response. And even when it is, at least you know you tried.
Dear Lost in London: You have beautifully summed up my overall point of view. Thank you!
Dear Amy: I am an average-attractive single woman who lives in a big city.
I am frequently approached by men of other races that flirt with me and try to get my phone number.
How do I tell them I am not interested, without offending them?
I stick to my own kind.
– No Thanks
Dear No Thanks: It is fairly easy to say, “No thank you.”
But if you truly want to repel these interested men, you could tell them the truth: “No offense, but I’m a racist.”
They should leave you alone after that.
(April 2020)
Dear Readers: R. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column called “Asking Eric.” You can help Eric to get started by flinging your most thorny questions his way. Contact him at eric@askingeric.com.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.)