Dear Readers: To mark my last week of publishing “Ask Amy,” I’ve fired up the Ask Amy Wayback machine, and will run some favorite previously published Q&As.
Following is my very first column, published in July 2003.
Dear Amy: I have a major problem that has come up just before my Wedding in Chicago. Children. Don’t want them at the Wedding. It was on our invitation: Adult Ceremony Adult Reception. We hired a nanny to take care of anyone who couldn’t find a sitter.
Everyone respected our wishes and made alternative plans for their kids, except for one person: my Mom’s brother from LA.
Has 7-year-old. Grunted about placing the child with Nanny service.
Got an email from cousin (child’s 21-year-old brother) saying they were upset that little kid was excluded. Mom feeling pressured to have child at Reception.
We – bride and groom, SAY NO!!!!! My fiance’s brother’s kids aren’t coming, along with dozens of little cousins. We can’t make an exception for one child!!! Plus, we don’t want kids there!
Are we wrong for how we feel about kids? What about my Mom? She fears all of this will cause a terrible rift between her and her brother.
I say HE is causing rift, not her. He is not respecting our WISHES. We won’t bend and allow him at the Reception.
If they show up with him, do we have a right to ask them to leave? We will be so angered!
Please, please, please, please help.
– Riana
Dear Riana: Use of Capital Letters and strange, telegram writing style first clue that Bride is almost off rocker.
I’m picturing it now: “With this ring, I thee … WHO LET THIS KID IN HERE!!”
You need to take a chill pill before Bridezilla strikes again.
You have made your wishes known. Your guests should respect them.
But if they don’t, please don’t compound their rudeness by stomping over small villages and flame-throwing tongues of fire.
I am urging you not to give this matter one additional moment of your attention, because if you’re not careful, this flap will completely take over the day.
You know, so much that happens on your wedding day is out of your control, and whether the best man gets too drunk, your new mother-in-law slips on the dance floor, or the cake falls off its pedestal, please embrace the day, the guests, your new husband, and your new life.
You can deal with your uncle later, though retaliating against 7-year-olds is NOT allowed, even by brides on a rampage.
Dear Amy: I am a 53-year-old man engaged to a wonderful woman several years younger. She is honest, sweet, and attractive. She has a goodness that few others possess.
My problem is that even though I love her, I am not in love with her. We have not been intimate for a long time because I just do not feel that way about her. Instead, I have sought and found intimacy with others.
These other women were just fulfilling a need. But about a year ago I met someone special. She knows about my fiancée and has pressured me to break off the engagement. But I cannot find the way to end it because I know it would devastate my fiancée.
She is much too kind and sweet to be hurt in that way. I make excuses not to have sex with her (such as made-up medical problems causing impotence).
How should I handle this?
– Perplexed in Pittsburgh
Perplexed in Pittsburgh: There is an old saying: “The truth will set you free.” In this case, the truth will set your fiancée free. And frankly, of the two of you, she’s the one I’m concerned about.
I frequently suggest scripts for people to use as blueprints for challenging conversations. Here’s yours: “Honey, I am a lying, skeevy horn dog. I don’t deserve you. I know that people often say that, but in this case, it’s really true. I really don’t deserve you.”
Tell her what you’ve been up to. Then apologize to her, to all of the people who suffer from actual sexual dysfunctions (whose maladies you’ve made a mockery of), and to anyone whom you might have used sexually and perhaps emotionally misled to fulfill your own needs. You also should suggest that your fiancée get tested for STDs.
If you want to make things easier on her, don’t sugarcoat this. Tell her everything. Her relief at being done with you will ease her devastation.
(May 2010)
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.)