Dear Amy: I have a recurring issue when going out with my girlfriend’s brother.
Every time we plan to go out with him and his wife, the outings revolve around their children.
As a happily childfree man in his 40s, I have no desire to spend my Saturday watching kids play in a crowded play space.
I have suggested activities that are child-friendly, like the bike park or skiing. These are activities I would also enjoy, yet they still aren’t suitable for his youngest child, so my ideas get shut down.
My girlfriend wants me to have a relationship with her family (and I do, too), but these kid-centric hangs are like torture for me.
How can I explain that I don’t want to hang out with her young nieces without upsetting the balance?
– Happily Childfree
Dear Childfree: These young parents are very caught up with their children. Since this is basically the definition of being a parent, you should accept that this is their life, their choice, and quite possibly their greatest joy.
Even people who love children and love being with children can find spending Saturday mornings at the ball pit or Gymboree with kids who are not related to them pretty torturous.
Your girlfriend is an aunt to these children. She is heavily vested in this relationship.
But you are not, and you don’t need to be.
You have tried to suggest other activities that would be more amusing for you – but for these family members, Saturday mornings are not about you.
If you want to get to know these parents better, you might ask if they can find a sitter some evening so that you adults can socialize together.
I wonder if your girlfriend is testing the waters to gauge how happy you really are at being childfree. I suggest that you be completely transparent about this.
Dear Amy: Over the last four years I have suffered a series of blows (the bad break-up of a long-term relationship, COVID-19, then losing my job).
Even before this, I struggled with depression and executive dysfunction.
Over the last few months my parents, who live almost 1,000 miles away, have become more worried about me. Mainly because I live alone.
I have talked with my therapist about it and we are taking steps to address their concerns.
My mother “sounded the warning,” as it were, to my two older siblings.
My sister lives just a few miles from me, but we only speak or meet a few times a year. This has been the case for about 15 years.
My brother and I never speak. We’re not estranged or anything, but we’ve never really been close, even as kids. We hardly even converse at family functions.
Now my brother is coming to my area soon with his young son. He sent me a text asking if I wanted to meet up with them.
He made this trip a few years ago with his older child and I didn’t even know about it until after they had left. I know (well strongly suspect) that he only asked to see me because my parents (mainly our mom) insisted that he do so.
Is it wrong of me to not be particularly interested or motivated to meet?
Is it just me that his offer seems a bit disingenuous?
– I’m Really Doing Fine
Dear Doing Fine: When it comes to family relationships, motivations are many, varied, and slippery. Sometimes we visit our folks because we feel guilty, endure birthday parties out of obligation, or attend awkward Thanksgiving feasts for the sake of family unity.
And sometimes, we try to renew a dormant sibling relationship because our parents ask us to.
So yes, your brother’s effort to reach out may in fact be disingenuous or due to pressure from your mother, but your mutual obligation (his to reach out, yours to accept) might lead to something surprising and positive.
Dear Amy: “Demanding Gram” wanted her teenage granddaughter to keep her room neater when she visited.
I liked your suggestions (especially to “shut the door”), but I would add that this grandmother needs to make sure that the room is suitable for the teen’s visit. Is there closet space? Is there room in the bureau drawers and enough space on the bedside table for the girl’s stuff?
Lots of times, hosts don’t realize that their “guest” rooms are really storage areas for the household.
– Experienced Host
Dear Experienced: Great point. Thank you.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
