Dear Amy: My wife and I have a difference of opinion regarding our 20-year-old daughter. We would love your perspective.
Our daughter is a sophomore at a university in Europe, and has recently started dating another sophomore (male) student.
When she comes home for the summer, he plans to visit.
In conversations with my wife, I have indicated that I will expect him to sleep in our guest bedroom and for our daughter to sleep in her room during his visit.
My wife makes the case that they are practically living together in college. While I acknowledge this, I feel uncomfortable with explicitly allowing them to sleep together in our home.
I am having a hard time verbalizing it, but it just doesn’t seem right to me.
Am I getting hung up by this country’s puritanical attitudes toward sex and my Roman Catholic upbringing, or is there some legitimacy to my desire to have them sleep in separate rooms?
– Pondering Papa in the Pacific Northwest
Dear Pondering: Yes, your reaction might be a puritanical thing, and also a Catholic thing. But mainly – it’s a dad thing.
This is about dads and daughters, and the ancient and protective dynamic between them that seems to override logic.
I have not noticed this particular dynamic between mothers and their daughters (mothers and sons have their own unique issues).
Yes, you know that your daughter and her boyfriend have sex, but as long as this happens elsewhere, you’d rather not think about it, thank you very much.
Also, unless you’ve met this guy before, he is essentially a stranger to you. Letting a stranger sleep with your daughter in your own home violates your innate bond to protect her.
The “legitimacy” of your reaction lies in the fact that you are having it.
Understand, however, that this couple will sleep together. Unless you intend to police the hallway at night, this will be happening in your home.
You might compromise by offering the couple two rooms – one room might be a place to keep his things and bunk down (if he wants to) while he is visiting. You could then leave the rest up to them, without dictating specific terms.
This might help you to maintain the cognitive dissonance you seem to require in order to admit this relationship into your world.
This is your opportunity, however, to begin the process of letting go. It is a tough but necessary developmental step.
Dear Amy: I am a single man in my mid-40’s.
During the pandemic I started talking with a woman (online). We texted a lot and called one another often. We’ve also video chatted.
Our relationship sort of fell off the grid, but recently she got back in touch with me. We finally agreed that it was time to meet in person.
We agreed on the place and time to meet halfway between our homes.
The morning of our meeting I got a text from her saying that she was having to go into the hospital for tests. I was very concerned and asked if she was all right and if there was anything she needed from me.
She said no.
After that she basically pulled away. Several weeks later, after I pressed the idea of meeting again, she told me that she has cancer and is undergoing treatments and she doesn’t want to see me or be in touch.
This all seems so strange. I don’t know how to process this.
What do you think?
– Concerned
Dear Concerned: If she is ill and doesn’t want to see you, you have to respect her decision. This is tough.
However, I think there is also a possibility that she has created a fiction and has strung you along, and is now using this as a reason to sever ties with you.
Generally, it is wisest to meet in person soon after you feel a connection online. This helps to test whether both parties really want personal involvement.
Dear Amy: I liked your answer to “Torn in CA,” who was freaking out about some of the things her kid’s teenage friends were doing and who wanted to snitch on them to the parents.
I was shocked when you said, truthfully, that a lot of this risk-taking is within the norm and that “good kids” do risky things.
Usually you are completely off base on anything having to do with people making risky choices.
– Risked and Survived
Dear Survived: I’ll take this backhanded compliment and sneak quietly out of the room.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
