Dear Amy: On this recent Mother’s Day, my 50+ daughter once again asked to bring a new boyfriend to our home for a small family holiday gathering she’d been invited to. We had never met him.
It has been a pattern for her to date someone for only a few weeks, want to bring him to a special family event or holiday, when he is a complete stranger to us, and then break up with him a few weeks later.
I have said yes to this in the past, but the situation wasn’t comfortable for me and other family members, including her adult children.
This time I said no. She responded by refusing to join us.
Am I wrong to say no this time?
I want to support her, but it’s stressful for me to keep dealing with her various boyfriends, and I’m tired.
If she ever finds someone for a stable, long-term relationship, we’d be thrilled for her, but I doubt this is going to happen.
Any ideas?
– Exhausted
Dear Exhausted: Bringing a stranger into your home for a family-oriented holiday meal is tough on you, and – quite possibly – tough on the new person.
I wonder if your daughter is using these family events (even unconsciously) as a way to quickly “vet” these men she chooses to date. Doing this might explain the post-party breakups.
My idea is that you should communicate the following to your daughter: “We have no problem with you dating anyone you want to date. If you like someone and want us to meet him, let’s do this in a casual way – over coffee or for a cookout at your house. If you are really into someone, we can understand why you’d want to invite him to a bigger family get ]-together, and after we meet him casually, we’ll be happy to consider including him, the way we include other partners.”
Dear Amy: You recently ran a question from “Jake from PA,” who was hurt because his adopted daughter wanted to reach out to her biological family members.
I would share that knowing the truth about a person’s DNA is vital.
When my adult son’s friend “Jack” introduced me to his mother “Janet,” she freaked out. Memory jogged and, to shorten a very long story, I am Jack’s father.
Janet denies it, but I can actually name the date she and I were together – nine months (to the day) prior to his birthday.
It has not gone well, but at least the truth is out there. And truthfully, we have a lot of family health issues Jack should address, or make sure his own daughter is checked for.
I know this creates challenges for people, but the truth is the truth.
– Been There
Dear Been There: You make very good points, but without DNA testing, it isn’t actually a certainty that you are “Jack’s” biological father.
As I have often stated, I believe that knowing the truth about one’s DNA is a basic human right.
Dear Amy: “Hoping for Companionship” is a 77-year-old widow who asked about jumping into the dating pool.
Your suggestions: Go to a museum? A coffee shop? Jeez, were old – not dead!
Why not suggest picking out funeral urns?
What’s wrong with playing nine rounds of golf, going fishing, watching your grandkids play sports? How about attending a street fair, county fair, mini-golf, or going to a local karaoke establishment? Do something fun and different.
My mom was 84 and was dancing at polka parlors until her death. She met men but dropped them when they’d say, “Oh, I go to bed at nine, so I can’t go out that late!”
Museum equals boring! I did that enough when my kids were small.
If they have a health restriction, moving might be helpful.
I’m not saying they should kayak down the rapids or join a pickleball team, but it is possible, I guess.
Who pays the bill? Easy! One pays for dinner the other tips generously. One pays for the show and the other buys the snacks.
If funds are limited, they could watch a minor league baseball game. Go to a farmers market, rent a movie and order a pizza, pick apples and make a pie. My gosh, the sky’s the limit, so put away the bingo cards and enjoy life!
– Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: Thank you for your great ideas.
I’ve been a life-long geezer, so I suggested first-date activities that are simple, inexpensive, and which I happen to enjoy.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
