Dear Amy: My 63-year-old husband has a successful career and a loving family.
And he smokes pot morning, noon, and night.
He knows it disturbs me (I don’t like the smell and I really don’t like his altered state), so he has found ways to do it that I do not smell, and also “sneaks” it in pretending he is doing something else like walking the dog.
He is a loving partner, a good dad, and he lies to me about smoking pot.
He says it is my fault that he sneaks.
I try to ignore it, but it is hard when he rolls out of bed to get high.
What do you suggest?
– Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: You must admit that if you didn’t object to your husband’s pot use, he probably wouldn’t sneak it. If he switched to gummies (instead of smoking), that would relieve one of your objections – the pungent smell.
There is a somewhat common belief that marijuana is not addictive, but you claim your husband cannot seem to get through the day without using cannabis. The drug’s effect on any one person varies widely, based on a number of factors, including the amount of THC in the dose and the health and age of the user, as well as if he takes prescription medication, drinks alcohol, or uses other drugs in addition to pot.
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention cites one study stating that “approximately 3 in 10 people who use marijuana have marijuana use disorder … meaning that they are unable to stop using marijuana even though it’s causing health and social problems in their lives.”
Your husband might have marijuana use disorder, a dependence on pot, or, perhaps, he just really loves to be high all the time.
Due to the increased and common consumption of marijuana and the sometimes challenging issues pot use raises among loved ones, “friends and family” support groups have sprung up to offer support to people affected by another’s pot use.
Mar-anon.com runs on a 12-step model and is associated with Marijuana Anonymous ( marijuana-anonymous.org ).
Zoom meetings are available every day, and these and in-person meetings are listed on the organization’s website.
I recommend that you should try your hardest to stop policing your husband’s pot use and detach from his behavior, so that you can separate your own options from your anger over his choices.
Dear Amy: My q uestion certainly isn’t life-threatening, but it is driving me nuts.
I was married for 10 years, divorced for 13, and happily remarried for seven.
My first marriage was annulled after the divorce.
Recently, my wife found my old wedding ring while cleaning out a junk drawer. I thought it had gone missing years ago.
I told her I didn’t want it and said that we needed to get rid of it.
She says I should take it to a pawn shop.
I have two great sons out of my first marriage, but other than that, the ring represents 10 years of acrimony and chaos.
I’m a non-practicing Catholic, but symbolism is still important to me, so I cannot see putting the ring back into circulation.
I wanted to hire a Hobbit to schlep the ring across Mordor and toss it into the Lake of Fire. My wife says we cannot afford a Hobbit and so I need to come up with another plan.
What is the best way to take care of this?
– Superstitious
Dear Superstitious: I love the idea of a Hobbit-for-hire, who could take all of the material things which bring on feelings of shame or sadness and cart them off to the Lake of Fire. (Or to Frodo’s Pawn Shoppe at the Shire strip mall.)
(And while I am probably short enough to apply for the Hobbit job, I identify more in the Elfen category.)
You and your wife might think of a deeply symbolic act that would transform this ring into something else – perhaps by melting it down and having a charm made. But that’s expensive and time-consuming.
I like the idea of throwing your ring into the creek. Give it a mighty fling. I did that once, and it certainly worked for me.
Dear Amy: “In a Bad Place” said her husband is angry and isolated.
She should take him to get a medical evaluation. His personality changes indicate that he might have the onset of dementia.
– My Two Cents
Dear Two Cents: It wasn’t clear that the husband’s personality had changed, but I agree that a medical evaluation is a good idea.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)