Dear Anna,
I’m a 25-year-old guy, and a situation at work is making me really uncomfortable. An older, married co-worker recently kissed me and has been dropping hints that she wants to take things further and have an affair. I know I shouldn’t have let that kiss happen. It was dumb and I was caught off guard. I’ve been cheated on in the past, and I don’t want to go down that road. I respect her and her marriage, but I also don’t want to cause tension at work or create a hostile environment. Should I tell HR about this? How can I handle this situation without making things worse? — Conflicted and Concerned
Dear CC,
Workplace entanglements are often tricky, hence the common adage “Don’t s— where you eat.” But, the good news is you know where you stand, which is an important first step.
You don’t want this going any further than it already has. So what steps can you take to let your co-worker down gently while protecting yourself?
“My recommendation is that he make it clear that his co-worker’s overtures and behavior are unwelcome,” says Vika Mass, a seasoned HR professional (and, full disclosure, my wife). “This can be either in writing or verbally.”
This is an important step called CYA (cover your ass — yes, it’s really called that), and it ensures that your intentions are documented, just in case your co-worker misinterprets the situation or decides to report you for improper behavior down the road.
Talking to HR is the most “conservative route to take,” Mass says, though “most people are able to resolve interpersonal issues themselves.”
Start by having a clear and direct conversation with your co-worker, letting her know that you’re not interested and that her advances make you uncomfortable. Be polite but firm, and make sure your message is unmistakable.
If she continues to hit on you after you’ve communicated your boundaries, that can be considered harassment. Most companies have policies against this kind of behavior, so check your employee handbook or manual to understand your company’s stance on workplace relationships and harassment.
“If, however, he’s afraid that his job is going to be at risk if he has this talk with his co-worker — if their dynamic doesn’t allow for open and honest communication, and he feels like he needs an intermediary — then he should loop in HR,” Mass adds.
Basically, if you’re worried that a direct approach might backfire or make things awkward beyond repair, then absolutely, bring in the professionals. HR exists for a reason, and protecting your peace of mind is part of their job.
TL;DR: Have that talk. Stand firm in your boundaries, and keep your integrity intact going forward.