Dear Anna,
I’m a bisexual woman, married to another woman. We’ve been together for four years and things are generally good. The big issue is that my wife works as a photographer, and she’s constantly shooting with attractive models, which I totally get and I’m cool with. But here’s the thing — every few months, there’s a new model she’s all over on social media, liking and engaging with their explicit content. I’m just not OK with that. It’s not how I conduct myself online as a married person. I’ve brought it up with her, but she just gets defensive and tells me she’s done so much for me, so I shouldn’t question her. And honestly, there have been times when it seemed like she was having more than just a professional relationship with some of these models. I’m starting to wonder if this is a battle I’m never going to win. What should I do? — Battling and Running Baffled
Dear BARB,
Social media has become such a minefield, hasn’t it? The lines between interest, flirtation, networking, promotion and support have all become hopelessly tangled. What does it mean to heart or comment on a hot person’s photos? Nothing? Everything? Is it a transgression or harmless? Can it be both at once?
But, perhaps more to the point, it’s tough when the person you love seems to be crossing boundaries that make you feel uncomfortable, especially when they brush off your concerns like they’re no big deal. It’s easy to start questioning yourself — am I being unreasonable? Am I overreacting? But your feelings are valid, and this situation sounds like it’s more than just a minor hiccup.
You’re in a bit of a pickle here because, on one hand, your wife’s job as a photographer naturally involves interacting with models. That’s part of the gig. But on the other hand, the way she’s engaging with them online — liking, commenting and generally showering attention on explicit content — doesn’t sit well with you. And honestly, it’s not something many people would be cool with in a committed relationship.
Let’s break this down a bit. It’s not just the social media activity that’s bothering you, it’s the pattern. Every few months, there’s a new model she’s fixated on, and you’re left wondering where the line is between professional admiration and something more. When you’ve tried to talk about it, she’s defensive, making it seem like you’re not appreciating everything she’s done for you. But a relationship isn’t a scoreboard. It’s not about tallying up good deeds to justify behavior that hurts your partner.
So what should you do? Here are a few actionable steps:
Find a calm moment to talk. I know, you’ve tried before, but some talks have to happen more than once. Some talks take a lifetime! Timing is important. If you’ve brought this up during a heated moment, it’s much easier for a conversation to go south. When you’re agitated, your body releases stress hormones that flood your system, making it difficult for the part of your brain responsible for logic and reasoning to function properly. This is why it can be so hard to think clearly or stay rational in the heat of an argument. Find a time when you’re both calm and open to talking. You might say something like, “I know you’re passionate about your work, but I need to talk about something that’s been weighing on me.”
In this talk, try to stick with expressing your feelings, not accusations: Instead of saying, “You’re always flirting with models,” try, “I feel uncomfortable and a bit insecure when I see you engaging with models’ explicit content online.” Framing it as your feelings rather than an accusation might help her lower her defenses.
Then, the hard part, setting some clear boundaries together. This isn’t about telling her what she can and can’t do, but about agreeing on what feels respectful for both of you. Ask her to put herself in your shoes. Would she be OK if you were engaging with explicit content from other women online? And what do you mean by explicit content, exactly? Get really clear on what upsets you. Is it frequency? Nudity? Flirtatious comments? The clearer the line is, the easier it is to stay on the right side of it. You’re not asking for the moon here — just some mutual respect and understanding.
And don’t forget humor. Sometimes, a little lightness can ease the tension. Maybe say something like, “I’d really rather your next crush be on me, thanks!”
A sticking point in your question is about your suspicion that she’s taken some of these relationships to a nonprofessional place, aka emotional infidelity territory. To that end, you might ask for some more transparency, whether it’s a glimpse at her DMs or setting a limit on time spent on social media or an ask for some reassurance when you’re feeling a little low. Without more details I can’t say whether the behavior is dodgy, but if you’re getting an ick feeling, don’t ignore it.
At the end of the day, you’re in this together. If she continues to dismiss your feelings, it might be time to consider whether your needs are truly being met in this relationship. You deserve a partner who listens, respects your boundaries and is willing to work through issues together. If she’s not willing to meet you halfway, it’s OK to acknowledge that this might be a deeper issue than just social media habits.
Remember, this isn’t a battle you should have to fight alone — or at all, really. In a healthy marriage, both partners work together to ensure the other feels loved, respected and secure. That’s not too much to ask.