Dear Anna,
I need advice. I’m on the spectrum but unsure if my problem is related to my autism. Since I was a child, I’ve struggled to distinguish between strong admiration and romantic crushes. Often, I develop obsessive feelings for someone based on their exceptional skills in a field I’m interested in — like music or gaming. I don’t focus on who they are as a person; my admiration for their talent turns into intense daydreams about making music together, seeking their approval and sexual fantasies.
When I notice this pattern, I realize it’s more about wanting to be like them rather than genuine attraction. Unfortunately, this has led me into some risky situations. Is there a way to manage or overcome this? How do I actually know my crush is real? — Confused and Concerned
Dear CC,
It’s completely understandable to feel confused when admiration for someone’s skills turns into what feels like a romantic crush. The question — Do I like them or do I want to be them? — comes up for many people, regardless of if they’re on the spectrum or not, and honestly, I don’t think we talk enough about how hot competence is, as a culture. So I’ll just say it: People who are skilled and passionate about their interests? FIRE.
As Lisa Laman, who writes about autism and dating for the amazing (and newly revamped) sex ed website Scarleteen(1), says, “As a fellow autistic person, I know all too well that it’s incredibly easy to get ‘blinders on’ and get stuck on one single perspective.”
How can we tell if our feelings are romantic or merely admiration?
In your case, probably the big question I would ask in such circumstances is: Would I still be interested in this person if they lost their exceptional skills or achievements?
You might not know the person well enough to answer this right away, but it’s a good one to keep in mind as you get to know people.
To help manage these feelings of uncertainty, Laman suggests finding potential crushes outside your areas of expertise. “Removing your deep immediate passion for their interests will give you a chance to know newcomers as people first and foremost,” she says. This way, you can focus on their personality and shared values, rather than just their talents or skills.
Additionally, when you feel an epic crush coming on, it’s important to do a little self-reflection check-in on your feelings. Do you enjoy their company and feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with them? Do you feel excited about the prospect of getting to know them better, beyond their abilities or accomplishments?
Laman offers another helpful question to ponder, gleaned from her therapist. “Ask yourself: Would I want people saying this or doing this to me?” If the answer is no, then it might be time to step back or change the behavior.
“Getting a handle on that reality right away can help you avoid any of those ‘risky situations,’” Laman notes.
Here are a few other practical steps you can take:
Diversify your social circles: Engage in activities and groups outside your primary interests to meet people with different backgrounds and skills. Badminton? Vegan sushi making? Saving the whales? The world is your oyster!
Focus on personal qualities: When you meet someone new, make a conscious effort to learn about their values, sense of humor and other personal traits. Are they kind to animals? Are they loyal or honest or respectful to others? If you’re unsure what traits or qualities you admire in a friend or partner, you might want to make a list. Then, when you get a crush, you can refer to the list to see if there’s an overlap in values and personality traits.
Set boundaries: If you notice your admiration becoming obsessive, set clear boundaries for yourself. Limit the time you spend thinking about or interacting with that person until your feelings become more manageable.
Seek support: If you’re really unsure about your feelings, it can be helpful to ask an impartial third party, aka a friend, who will be honest with you.
And, if you need more help than a friend can provide, consider talking to a therapist who specializes in autism. A good therapist can provide tailored strategies to help you navigate any confusion.
Remember, it’s OK to admire someone’s skills and achievements, but healthy relationships consider the whole person — and are built on mutual respect and understanding.
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(1) Check out their great series on disability and dating/sex.
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