Dear Anna,
For the past four months, I’ve been seeing someone wonderful. They are kind, thoughtful and truly everything one could ask for in a partner. However, despite their undeniable goodness and the time we’ve spent together, I’ve come to the harsh realization that I’m not in love with them. I love them as a person, but not in the grand sweeping way you read about in books or see on TV.
This realization has left me grappling with guilt and an array of questions, but the most pressing one is: When is it too late to end a relationship when love isn’t in the picture? I’m torn between not wanting to hurt someone who has been nothing but kind to me and the feeling that I’m living a lie by staying. Is it unfair to continue a relationship without love? Where do we draw the line between giving the relationship a chance to grow and acknowledging that it’s time to let go? — Torn In Love’s Limbo
Dear TILL,
Alas, the heart is not an Amazon Prime subscription, and feelings don’t tick away with the precision of a stopwatch. In the grand, messy opera of human emotions, love stubbornly refuses to adhere to timelines. It does whatever TF it wants, sometimes arriving with the thunderous applause of certainty, and at other times, it’s a whisper we strain to hear.
It’s admirable to not want to hurt your partner, but staying in a relationship out of guilt or obligation does a disservice to both of you. It’s like wearing a sweater that’s two sizes too small — it might sort of warm you for a while, but it’ll never be enough and will eventually drive you batty. (It seems like it’s already starting to.)
In other words, if there’s a no percolating inside you — regardless of whether it’s a whisper — then listen to it. If you’re still on the fence, then it’s time to do some searching.
There are lots of different kinds of love — and almost none of them look like any of the fictionalized portrayals in books or on TV. Your question isn’t about the expiration date on your relationship’s milk carton — not really. It’s about fulfillment. Are your needs — emotional, physical, spiritual — being met? Can you see yourself being with someone you care about deeply and who meets a lot of your relationship needs but not the elusive spark? And, can you meet your partner’s needs by offering a version of love that feels more like companionship than passion? These are hard questions and the answers will likely depend on where you are in your life.
So dig deep, my dear. This isn’t about marking a calendar; it’s about listening to the authenticity of your feelings — or their absence. If the spark isn’t there, it’s not there. Your heart knows the truth, and it’s paramount to honor that voice within you. Love doesn’t thrive in the shadow of obligation; it dances in the light of truth.
Remember, ending a relationship doesn’t strip away its value or the beauty it brought to your life. It’s simply an acknowledgment that the journey together has reached its destination, and it’s OK to disembark with grace.
If you need a permission slip to part ways with this person, consider it granted. If, however, you’re still unsure, then have that tough-gentle conversation with yourself about fulfillment, honesty and the courage to seek a path that feels right — even when it’s paved with uncertainty.
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(Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!)