Dear Anna,
I’m a 29-year-old queer, nonbinary femme. I’m a pretty quiet and introverted person, so making friends has never been easy for me. Right now, I only have two close friends, and although that might sound sad, I value these friendships deeply because they’re all I have.
Here’s my dilemma: My friends misgender me and occasionally make homophobic jokes and comments, usually in a playful manner directed at each other. To fit in, I often laugh along, but it’s starting to get to me. I’m afraid to speak up about this, out of fear they’ll reject me and I’ll be left without any friends at all. But it hurts my feelings when they make these comments or share memes that mock queer culture. How can I deal with this situation? — Lonely and Lost
Dear LL,
It’s never easy to confront people we care about, so good on you for taking this first hard step. Your sensitivity and introspection are strengths, not weaknesses.
Secondly, let me make one point. You mentioned that you only have two close friends and that that was “sad,” but I want you to know that the quality of your friendships is far more important than the quantity.
Valuing your friendships deeply is a testament to your loyalty and capacity for meaningful connections. It’s clear you’re someone who cherishes authenticity and genuine bonds. These are worthwhile traits to remember as you navigate this tricky sitch.
OK, onto your dilemma.
When friends make jokes or comments that clash with your gender and sexual identity, it can feel like a betrayal, especially when they know that queerness is important to your identity and sense of self.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt first. Sometimes, people make insensitive jokes without realizing the impact they have, or they may not fully grasp the depth of their words. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but might make confronting your friends a little easier. And even though you’re dreading it, it’s important for your well-being that you address their comments.
Here’s a step-by-step approach to navigate this situation:
Before having any conversations, spend some time reflecting on how their comments make you feel. Write down your thoughts if that helps. Understanding your emotions will give you clarity and confidence when you talk to your friends.
Find a calm, private time to talk to each friend individually. Avoid bringing this up in the heat of the moment or during one of their joking sessions, as it might not be taken seriously or backfire. A one-on-one setting often leads to more thoughtful and sincere discussions.
To avoid sounding accusatory, which can make people defensive and not as receptive to listening, use “I” statements. For example, “I feel hurt when you misgender me because it makes me feel like you don’t accept me.” This way, you’re sharing your personal experience rather than attacking their character.
Let them know that you value their friendship and would appreciate their support in respecting your identity. You can say something like, “I care about our friendship, and I hope you can understand why these comments affect me. Can we avoid making jokes about LGBTQ+ people, even if you don’t mean to offend?”
Pay attention to how they react. True friends will make an effort to understand and change their behavior once they realize how much it hurts you. If they dismiss your feelings or react negatively, it may be a sign that the friendship isn’t as supportive as you need it to be.
Speaking of friendships, it’s likely time to expand your inner circle.
Shy and introverted people need community just as much as the next person. Look for other supportive places where your identity is respected and celebrated. This could be LGBTQ+ support groups, online communities or through activities and interests that attract like-minded people. Expanding your social network can reduce the pressure on your current friendships and introduce you to people who understand and support you without reservation.
Also, make time for activities that affirm your identity and boost your confidence. Engage in hobbies, read books with nonbinary people/characters — this list may be a good starting point — or watch shows and movies with positive queer representation. These can remind you of your worth and help you stay connected to your true self.
Sometimes, allies can help bridge the gap. If there’s someone in your extended circle (i.e., a friend of one of your two friends) who you think might be supportive, consider sharing your concerns with them. They might offer valuable perspective or even help communicate your feelings to your friends.
Facing the possibility of rejection is daunting, but remember, you deserve to be surrounded by people who respect and value you for who you are. If your friends are unwilling to change or support you, it might be painful but necessary to reevaluate those relationships. You deserve friendships that nurture your spirit and align with your values. Anything less is going to have far worse outcomes and consequences in the long term, especially in regard to your well-being.
In the words of Maya Angelou, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” By standing up for yourself, you’re asserting your right to live authentically and with dignity. It’s a powerful step toward building a life where your identity is honored and celebrated.
Stay true to yourself, and remember, you are worthy of friendships that embrace you fully, without condition or compromise.