Dear Anna,
I’m a 29-year-old bisexual woman. My girlfriend (30) and I have been together for almost two years, and we recently moved in together. I love her deeply, but I’ve noticed that she’s always on her phone — whether we’re watching TV, having dinner or just hanging out in bed. I’ve tried to brush it off, telling myself it’s no big deal, but lately it’s really starting to bother me. I feel like I’m competing with her phone for attention, and it’s making me feel distant from her. I’m worried that if I bring this up, she’ll think I’m being clingy or overreacting. How do I approach this without sounding needy? Thanks — Annoyed Now, Trying Instead Silence, Independence – Relationship Intact
Dear ANTISIRI,
Sounds Siri-ous. (Sorry.)
But truly, I get it — it stings to feel like you’re playing second fiddle in your relationship, especially when the competition is a glowing screen.
While feeling dismissed sucks, it’s not “needy” to want quality time, connection and attention from your partner. In fact, it’s pretty essential for a healthy relationship.
First, let’s reframe how you’re viewing this. Asking for your girlfriend’s presence isn’t clingy or demanding; it’s about valuing the relationship enough to want to nurture it. To use a canoe metaphor (because why not): If you were building a canoe together and one person was milling the wood and bending the stems* while the other was watching a cat wearing a Batman mask on TikTok, it’s only natural that person No. 1 would feel neglected and cranky and ask person No. 2 for a little help.
Relationships need mutual care and attention too. Otherwise, your boat won’t float.
If, however, you’ve been stewing in silence, then your girlfriend likely has no idea this is even an issue, so that’s your first stop. Start by expressing how much you appreciate the moments when she’s present — pick a few recent examples, for relevance. “I really loved it when we [took that hike/made that excellent dinner/listened to that “How to Build a Canoe” audiobook]; it made me feel connected to you.”
Then, let her know how you’ve been feeling and why it’s important that both of you are more present and engaged during your intentional time together. The key word here is “intentional.” It’s unrealistic to expect undivided attention all the time, especially when you live together and the lines between “being together” and “just sharing the same space” can easily blur. For example, you might both be in the living room, but if one of you is reading on your phone and the other is writing “Bridgerton” fanfic, you’re not really spending time together.
To address this, you’ll want to pick some specific times that you both agree will be dedicated to each other — times when you’re fully focused on being a couple. You can also have more relaxed “floating” times where you’re together but don’t have to be as engaged. If, for you, watching TV together feels like a couple’s activity, then that could be a good time to make it a phone-free zone.
Other phone-free suggestions might include meal times, allowing you to connect over breakfast or dinner, and share your day without distractions. Another idea is to establish a bedtime routine where, say, 30 minutes before bed, you both put your phones away and wind down together — whether that’s talking, reading or, uh, buffing each other’s hulls. (That’s the last canoe metaphor, I promise.)
These boundaries aren’t about controlling each other’s behavior but rather about creating some intentional space where you can fully connect. It’s about prioritizing your relationship and showing each other that your time together is valued. And remember, boundaries like these can help strengthen your connection by fostering a deeper sense of presence and intimacy, something that’s often lost in our tech-obsessed world.
If your girlfriend reacts poorly to this conversation, you might need to dig a little deeper and find out why. Is she stressed about something? Is there something going on that’s pulling her focus? Sometimes, distraction is a coping mechanism, a mild form of dissociation that people use when overwhelmed by big feelings.
Also! She might view her scrolling as part of her alone time or self-care. If that’s the case, it’s important to recognize and respect her potential need for solitude so you can have an intentional discussion around it. Understanding each other’s needs allows you to find a balance and accommodate them — within reason. We all have different social batteries — some people need more me time to rest and recharge.
But, at the end of the day, you’re not asking for anything unreasonable; you’re asking for time and attention, which are the building blocks of any good partnership. And you deserve that.
———
*I don’t actually know how to build a canoe but doesn’t this sound authoritative?
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