Dear Anna,
My boyfriend (32) and I (29) have been living together for three years in what I thought was relationship bliss. Last month, out of nowhere, he suggested that we spend one weekend each month completely apart as “me time” — separate activities, separate sleeping arrangements, minimal contact. He says it’s about “maintaining independence” and that he got the idea in a podcast about relationship longevity. I’m torn because while I understand everyone needs space, it feels like a step backward in our commitment. We both work demanding jobs (I’m in health care, he’s in tech), and weekends are our precious time together. His suggestion came shortly after we started tentatively discussing marriage timelines. I can’t help wondering if this is a red flag, cold feet, or if I’m overreacting to a reasonable boundary. My friends are split — half say it’s healthy, half say he’s creating distance for a reason. How do I know if this is normal relationship maintenance or the beginning of the end? — Minding Empathy & Trust In Messy Experience
Dear METIME,
I feel you. That big and sudden of an ask in a committed relationship leaning toward marriage can feel like someone pulled the rug out from beneath your feet. I hear the concern in your words — that precious weekend time feels sacred when you’re both navigating demanding careers, and his timing alongside marriage conversations has understandably set off alarm bells in your heart.
Let me reassure you: The desire for space doesn’t automatically signal a desire for distance. Many thriving long-term couples maintain certain boundaries that, counterintuitively, bring them closer. But the way this suggestion emerged matters deeply.
What’s concerning isn’t necessarily the request itself, but that it came “out of nowhere” for you. Healthy relationship evolutions should feel mutual, not like surprises that leave one partner questioning everything. That disconnect deserves attention.
Consider this moment an invitation to deeper understanding, not an ultimatum. Before rejecting or reluctantly accepting his proposal, create space for a heart-to-heart where you both explore what’s truly behind this desire. Is your boyfriend feeling overwhelmed at work? Has he lost connection with parts of himself he values? Or is he genuinely trying to apply relationship wisdom, however clumsily presented?
Ask him to envision what these weekends would actually look like. Would he reconnect with old friends? Pursue forgotten hobbies? Understanding the specific shape of his desire might soften your worry.
Then, share your truth — not just your thoughts, but the vulnerable feelings underneath. Perhaps: “When you suggested separate weekends shortly after our marriage conversation, I immediately feared you were getting cold feet or trying to create distance. I value our weekend time as our chance to nurture us.”
Consider a compromise that honors both needs. Perhaps start with a single day rather than entire weekends. Or try one month on, one month off. The structure matters less than finding a rhythm that feels nurturing to both of you.
Pay close attention to how he responds to your vulnerability. A partner invested in your shared future will care deeply about your concerns, even while advocating for his own needs. Red flags appear not in the request itself, but in dismissiveness toward your feelings and/or unwillingness to try to accommodate reasonable requests.
Remember that relationships evolve through many seasons. What worked perfectly in your first years together might need gentle adjustments as you build toward forever. The healthiest long-term bonds have space for both deep togetherness and room to breathe as individuals.
Trust your instincts while remaining open to different kinds of connectedness. If something about this request continues to feel wrong beyond the initial surprise, honor that feeling and listen to it. But also recognize that sometimes our most significant relationship growth comes through moments that initially unsettle us.
I suspect that if you approach this conversation with genuine curiosity rather than fear, you’ll discover whether this is truly about relationship maintenance or something more concerning. Either way, you’ll learn valuable information about your partnership’s resilience and your boyfriend’s ability to navigate complex emotions alongside you — essential knowledge as you consider a lifetime together.
Your relationship deserves this moment of careful attention. Whatever path you choose, let it be one where both your voices are equally heard and honored.
___
(Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!)