Dear Eric: My sons are currently 26 and 24 years old. Both went to amazing colleges and currently have six-figure careers. They both moved back home when their colleges shut down for COVID.
Neither son is looking to “launch” from the nest, blaming high costs of living in our area, blaming boomers for ruining the world, etc. They have a bad attitude when asked to do anything and contribute zero dollars to the household except pay their minimal student loan, car insurance and cellphone bill.
I am exhausted from constant cleaning, meal prep. The levels of entitlement and expectations are absurd. I’ve asked for help, suggested they each take charge of dinner one night a week (cook or takeout!) and nothing is sticking.
I have even given a harsh deadline or two to the oldest. I don’t know how to get them “launched” without damaging our relationships further.
PS involving their father, from whom I’m amicably separated, is useless. He has refused to take care of himself over the last 20 years, is consumed with his illnesses, is not a positive role model and now has dementia.
– Overworked Mom
Dear Mom: Your sons are making six figures, don’t have rent, and are treating their mother as their maid? I’m calling the Hague.
They’re going through a strange phase of life and think that being catered to is just “part of your job”. Absolutely false.
And I don’t see what boomers “ruining the world” has to do with not cleaning up the house.
At this point, you’ve got to make things hard in order for them to get better.
Stop cooking for them, start charging them rent, take them off of your cellphone plan. Be clear with them that you have to do this because you’re being treated with disrespect. The financial burden they’re placing on you will impact your retirement and your quality of life.
And make the rent equivalent to what it would be in your area. How do they expect to make it in the world if they don’t know how to realistically budget for the world? Putting some financial requirements on them is a way of parenting them into adulthood.
I’m going to be frank with you: it’s going to cause conflict. And some of your sons’ behavior may be a response to depression or trauma. You don’t have to carry the burden of making everything OK, though.
Dear Eric: If someone keeps getting party invitations from someone they would rather not associate with frequently, and occasionally accepts having run out of excuses, is one obligated to reciprocate if one really doesn’t want to? Should one simply decline without reasons?
– Don’t Want to Be a Guest
Dear Guest: One of my favorite excuses for not doing something is “I prefer not to,” Bartleby the Scrivener-style. You don’t have to share this with the party host, of course. But “no, thank you” is a complete sentence.
You may want to have a conversation about your relationship, especially if you don’t want to be around them. But if it’s going to cause more trouble than it’s worth, just decline.
Dear Eric: “Caught in Feelings” (July 24) wrote about finding intimacy outside her marriage and your solution was to propose an open marriage. Asking for an open marriage first dodges responsibility and denies reality, which would be no better for “Caught” than her husband.
Frankly, it sounds like neither one of them is really invested and an “open marriage” will probably only lead to an even more acrimonious divorce.
– Closed Honesty
Dear Closed: A number of readers pointed out that although “Caught” said her husband wouldn’t go for a divorce, it wasn’t solely his choice to make.
When a letter writer dismisses a possibility out of hand, I don’t circle back to it because that feels unproductive.
However, many of you were right: “Caught”, if you want a divorce, organize your finances, consult a lawyer and file for divorce. If you want to stay married, the original advice stands.
Dear Readers: On July 14, a letter writer expressed anxiety about a persistent cough. Dozens of letters poured in with stories of similar situations. Although the letter writer didn’t ask for medical diagnosis or advice, the response was so strong I wanted to share some suggested causes and home remedies. This is not medical advice. If you have a medical issue, please see a doctor.
Some readers found out that their coughs were caused by: Sensory laryngeal neuropathy; blood pressure medication, specifically an ACE inhibitor; bronchiectasis and Mycobacteria Avium Complex; a bacterial infection called Helicobacter Pylori (or H. Pylori); acid reflux; a hiatal hernia.
And for relief they turned to: Coca-Cola; visiting a voice teacher; chewing a marshmallow; a speech pathologist; the Bastian Voice Institute in Downers Grove, Illinois.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
