Dear Eric: My aunt on my mother’s side, told me that there was something she needed to tell me, but that I’d have to wait until my mother passed. My mother was sick at the time, so I let it go.
My mother passed away 10 years ago, sadly, but after allowing us all time to grieve, I asked my aunt what it was she had to tell me.
However, when I asked her, she suddenly couldn’t remember. To this day we seldom talk. We were close as mother and daughter, always meeting up for lunch, calling and talking for hours. Now, she’s almost written me off. It’s as though she has a guilty conscience, if I were to guess.
I’ve tried countless ways of trying to get this out of her, only for me to be told “drop it, I don’t remember, like I told you, and stop asking!” This is taking a toll on me. I’ve thought about every scenario it could possibly be, even to the point of hiring a psychic.
I just need help on how to try and get my answers that are leaving me feeling hopeless.
– Looking for Answers
Dear Answers: I hate that your aunt created this cliffhanger. It’s not fair to you and has clearly compounded your pain. I’m really sorry.
Decide for yourself that whatever it was, wasn’t important enough for your mother to mention and therefore isn’t something that you need to know. And then tell yourself you believe it. This won’t be easy – it’s taken on the mythic stature of a Big Secret in your mind. But you can right-size it by telling yourself that this is some drama that your aunt has created in her own mind.
One thing that will help with this is trying to reset the relationship with your aunt. Tell her: I miss the closeness of our old relationship, and I need to get it back. What can we do to repair this? If it takes me never asking about the secret again, I’m willing to do it. That’s how much I value our relationship.
In time, she needs to apologize to you for creating this turmoil. I hope she does. I hope she’s able to get over whatever she’s built up around herself and be there for you.
Dear Eric: I have never been a super tidy person. I do, however, regularly try to organize my items and clean up after myself. I have been married for 22 years to a man who is also less inclined to tidiness, and who travels three days of the week. You may imagine what we produced for offspring.
I cannot maintain a clean home. Despite chore charts, weekly assignments, pleas for daily maintenance and modeling all of it, my family will not be moved to help keep the house clean. On my days off, it is all I spend time doing. I cannot keep up with the messes of six people. And yet, they all complain that the house is a wreck, and they can’t find things.
I try to inspire them by remarking that their items would be easily found if they had a regular place. It seems like it would be so simple if we cleaned up a little each day to maintain, but I just can’t get them to do it. I should add they are 12, 13, 17 and 18 and all fully capable.
They do clean for their father when he takes the reins. It makes me feel terrible that I can’t command my troops. My therapist says that because I don’t love cleaning myself, my family just won’t buy in. Is it hopeless?
– Cluttered
Dear Cluttered: Part of this – as you noted – is just who you are as a family. And that is perfectly fine. Your kids are old enough to understand the consequences of their actions and come up with coping mechanisms. If they don’t do that, they’re going to learn a lesson. That’s important as they move into adulthood. And it won’t be taught by watching you whistling while you work, Snow White-style, as you perform your love of cleaning.
So, turn the whole project over to dad. Ask him to manage the cleaning system, even from afar. You don’t deserve to feel terrible. This constant strife is not good for you. Moreover, it’s reinforcing a lack of respect on their parts that’s concerning.
It’s normal – and healthy – for parents to divide and conquer when it comes to household tasks and raising kids. Ask yourself if commanding your troops to clean is a skill you really need to build. Or is it better for household peace in the long run if you keep the areas that are important to you clean and let them learn from their choices?
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)