Dear Eric: My brother and sister-in-law visit infrequently, usually only once or twice a year, including a major holiday. After each visit I tell my husband that we will not host them again.
In the past, their arrival/departure times have been inconvenient. They converse loudly after others have retired for the evening or before others have risen in the morning. Doors are slammed simply from habit. Bath and bed linens are left in disarray.
They have helped themselves to our personal products even though we always say, “let us know if there is anything you need”.
They are provided comfortable guest accommodations and multiple meals, but never bring a host gift. I have the impression they feel entitled, as some of the families do not have financial concerns. Please let me know, shall I “buck up” and tolerate their lack of manners and consideration, or suggest they book a room at one of several local hotels?
– Rental Relative
Dear Relative: This is the paradox of telling guests, especially guests we’re related to, that they should “make themselves at home”. Just whose home are we talking about here? Because the way some of these folks are living? No thanks!
In the interest of peace, you should let go of some of your qualms – maybe the bed linens? Or, if you don’t want them to use your products, take them off the shelf. Part of this is just miscommunication – what’s a dollop of shampoo between relatives?
Pick one or two things that you’ll just chalk up to a difference in styles. With the rest, communicate clear expectations before the visit. For instance, if they plan to arrive at an inconvenient time, tell them it’s inconvenient and give them a range of times that work for you. If you expect a host gift – which, I agree, is the right gesture – tell them. “Next time you come, bring some of that local honey we like,” or something of that nature.
Bottom line: it’s your house and you should be comfortable. But hosting guests is always going to disturb our preferred modes a little bit. Determine how far outside of your comfort zone you’re willing to be.
Dear Eric: I am generally an upbeat, look-on-the-bright-side kind of person. Unfortunately, my husband of 30 years and my 80-year-old mother are definitely not. My husband could best be described as a middle-aged Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory” – an analytical scientist who will always choose logic over feelings no matter the situation.
My mother, on the other hand, has always been a closet Eeyore/Negative Nellie.
I don’t live near her, but I speak to her multiple times daily on the phone. Every phone call brings a new boatload of doom, gloom and worries. I am her remaining family member and if she can’t reach me within two phone calls, she panics and will start, and has started, calling my friends, acquaintances, neighbors, law enforcement, etc.
She vehemently refuses to learn to use a smartphone or any technology, like texting, that would make it easier for me to reassure her if I cannot immediately speak to her.
I do my best to refill my “positivity” tank with things that soothe my soul, and I rely heavily on my faith, but between the situations in the world and on the news and these two in my life I’m finding it harder to look on the bright side.
I don’t want to sink into the gray view that my husband and mother seem to live in. I really do believe the world needs light, especially now. How can I keep looking for the silver lining?
– Trying To Stay on the Sunny Side
Dear Sunny Side: I am really sorry you’re stuck in this space. Try having a heart-to-heart with your husband to emphasize how much you need his support at this point in your life. A “Hey, honey, that’s not helpful to me right now” can go a long way.
Can he also support you more in action? Can he pick up the phone when you can’t? Part of this problem is logistical and that’s a place he can shine.
Your mother and husband’s narratives have a lot of power in your life right now, but they aren’t any truer than your perspective. Remind yourself that you’re reaching for the truth.
Track your search for the light in a joy journal or some other regular diary. Make time and space to connect more regularly with people who are also finding their own joy. You may not be able to banish the gray, but flooding your world with even more light will help. I have also recently appreciated the work of psychologist Dacher Keltner, particularly the new book “Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)