Dear Eric: Twelve years ago, I was a foster parent for a 12-year-old. “Angel” was reunified with her father after a year and when that blew up, she came back to live with me.
At one point I petitioned the court and was granted legal custody. She has left and come back multiple times over the years.
Angel just had a baby and is struggling in every way. She seems angry all the time. She has a history of being mean, rude and disrespectful to me over the years and at each turn, I decided to stick around.
Angel is a trauma survivor and victim of abuse and neglect as a child. I strive to offer empathy, support and unconditional love. It’s a hard job. I’m feeling that I am at a crossroads after a recent incident. Can I just be done with all of this?
I feel disrespected, taken advantage of, unappreciated and just plain sick of all the drama. Then I remember that nothing I feel could possibly compare to the challenges that she has faced, and the lifetime of trauma she has experienced.
Angel has demonstrated that she is either unwilling or not capable of working toward a healthier connection. Am I OK with being one more adult who lets her down (in her eyes, anyway) and walks away?
– Fatigued Foster Parent
Dear Fatigued: This process of “rupture and repair” is a lifetime one, according to Priscilla Singleton, LMFT, LSCW, director of Clinical Standards at the Council for Relationships. Angel is going to keep pushing to make sure that you’re actually going to stick around, Singleton told me. But your steady presence, whether Angel is accepting or rejecting it, is still a message that maybe the world is a safe place.
As a foster care worker, Singleton ran training and support groups for parents. But if you didn’t receive that – say, if Angel came to you through family connections – a lot of this probably feels unmanageable. Parents don’t have to be punching bags, but you have tools that Angel doesn’t.
Instead of walking away, work with a therapist or support group that has specific training in fostering and adoption. They can help you better understand where Angel is coming from and set a boundary that will keep you both safe. This boundary also models healthy parenting for Angel and her daughter.
Dear Eric: I was married for 25 years to a good man. We just weren’t great as a married couple. We have two grown children that live on their own.
Now that our amicable divorce is final, he has moved in with the person he started seeing while we were divorcing. I respect the relationship and I’m happy for them. The problem is, she has cut me out of any communication with him.
Apparently, she doesn’t believe our relationship is appropriate and now he is trying to make her happy by telling me not to contact him anymore. There are things regarding our daughters that I would like to discuss with him. I can’t understand how us talking can be an issue.
I realize this is out of my control, but I am having a hard time accepting it. Knowing the conversations that we have had during our divorce process and how we both agreed that our friendly relationship was best for our family going forward. Am I out of line here?
– Amicable Ex
Dear Amicable: You’re not out of line. Your ex’s new partner may be feeling insecure because you have a longstanding and healthy relationship with your ex. Not your problem… but it will probably continue to be your problem.
You should respect what he’s asking for but be clear to him, calmly and reasonably, it’s not what you discussed with respect to your daughters. I wouldn’t press it though. This relationship is still new and pales in comparison to the depth and breadth of your relationship. Give it time to settle and reach out when/if your daughters need it.
Dear Eric: I must disagree with your answer to Trapped at Home whose husband has a history of infidelity and whose children are encouraging her to divorce him.
My advice is to get tested for STIs and protect herself going forward. See a divorce lawyer to get a clear understanding of her financial reality in the event of a divorce. Her state may be a community property state, her husband may have to pay maintenance and will surely have to pay child support. She should also see a tax adviser to understand potential effects post-divorce. She may conclude her financial situation has the potential to be better than she supposed.
—Been There
Dear Been There: Thanks for sharing this perspective. I do hope you’re right and she’s in a better position than she thinks.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)