Dear Eric: My husband and I are hurt and disappointed in our two children, both adults in their 40s. We were predicted to be in the direct path of hurricane Helene in Georgia. She changed her path slightly to the east, and we didn’t get the worst of the hurricane. However, we were hit with massive rain and extremely high winds. Also, we live in a somewhat remote area surrounded by trees.
Our children did not contact us until the middle of the afternoon after Helene hit to see if we were affected by the hurricane (they live in different states). We raised them to be independent but caring adults, and we can’t understand why they showed little-to-no concern for our safety.
I think we should ask them why they weren’t worried about us, but my husband thinks we should just accept that they have become selfish and self-centered. Both of them have said previously that they had great childhoods and appreciate how we raised them. So, why did they not care enough to text/email/call to see if we were OK? Should I ask them?
– No Check-in
Dear No Check-in: I’m glad you’re safe. I’m curious if this communication issue is a pattern of behavior with your kids, or an anomaly. If it’s the latter, you may want to think of it as such – a place where your expectation and theirs didn’t match up.
Either way, you should reach out to let them know how their calls landed with you. If you don’t, I fear that you and your husband may start to resent them – if you’re not already stoking the fires of resentment. And you could be constructing a narrative about them that’s untrue.
Selfish and self-centered are strong words. As a family that – by your description – seems to care about each other, you should have a conversation about ways that you can all feel seen and thought of.
Sometimes we think of communication patterns in relationships as a kind of “set it and forget it” feature. But as we change, the way we talk to our loved ones can change. It’s helpful to keep checking in, keep an open mind, and to be vulnerable enough to say, “this hurt me, and I love you enough to let you know.”
Dear Eric: This is regarding “Accused Mumbler”, whose husband resisted hearing aids. I am a doctor of audiology who serves elderly patients. Hearing loss may accelerate the progression of dementia/Alzheimer’s. Your brain is like a muscle – use it or lose it. When the brain doesn’t get a good signal from the ear because of hearing loss, the brain will eventually “forget” what sounds mean even when they are loud enough.
Sadly, after an initial diagnosis of hearing loss, it often takes a patient seven to 10 years before they purchase hearing aids. Just think of the experiences, relationships, and joy in living that are lost, often because of pride.
– Solutions for Loss
Dear Solution: There are so many upsides to taking advantage of the care available. I hope the husband in the letter does so.
Dear Eric: I am writing in response to the letter from “Confused Mom” who is worried about her son’s college choices. Both you and Mom have overlooked something important. The son does have a plan for college. He wants to attend a community college.
On average, 45 percent of all undergraduates in the United States are attending a community college. Also, of all students who graduate from a four-year school with a bachelor’s degree, around 50 percent attended a community college in the previous 10 years.
The son is making a very wise choice. Not only will he save money, but it is well documented that community college students receive more individual attention from faculty and advisers and more tutoring help if they are struggling with any given course.
Also, the average age of community college students is 27 which means community college classes have a mix of ages and life experiences that can be beneficial to students who are still finding their way.
– Community College Works
Dear Community College Works: A hearty thank you for so thoroughly and enthusiastically voicing your support for community college. I agree that it is an excellent path!
Dear Eric: I just read your advice to Confused Mom in the print edition of the local newspaper. Regarding their question about what to do with the college fund, the law was recently changed to allow 529 plans to be rolled over into a Roth IRA, with certain caveats, of course. This may be something worth looking into.
– 529 Suggestion
Dear 529 Suggestion: This is a great option for the family, especially if the son chooses to go to community college and save some of the money his parents set aside.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)