Dear Eric: One of my offspring has cut off all communication with her father, my ex-husband. He hasn’t even met his 4-year-old grandson. My other child has a close relationship with my ex.
The daughter in question claims my ex was not a good father. He certainly wasn’t a good provider; I supported the family financially. He was likely depressed but refused to see his doctor.
I feel for him, and I feel for my other child, who faces awkwardness when planning kids’ birthday parties, etc. Is there anything I can do?
– Stuck in the Middle
Dear Middle: Your ex-husband has to be responsible for his choices and behavior, past and present. Trying to manage the relationship he has with your children is only going to cause you more grief. You’ve spent years taking on more than your share of familial burdens. It’s time to detach with love.
Your compassion for your kids and your grandson doesn’t have to change. And if they come to you to talk through the awkwardness or the pain of the estrangement, listen and share your own feelings. You’re also being impacted by this, and you deserve support, too.
Dear Eric: I was married, and the relationship ended. He was dishonest and cheated. I was furious and sad. This was about eight years ago. We don’t have any ties (kids, pets, etc.), and I told him that I didn’t think friendship was possible at that time because of how he treated me.
It took me a bit to get over everything, but it’s OK now.
However, we are godparents to the daughter of his friends. I am in touch with the family, and they kindly invited me to her bat mitzvah.
I am unsure if I should accept the invitation as I assume he’ll be there, and they’re technically his friends.
I think that I may be overreacting, but I haven’t been faced with seeing him since the divorce. Should I decline the invitation since they’re his friends first?
– Not Ready to Celebrate
Dear Celebrate: If you’re still close with your goddaughter’s family and it would hurt them to not have you there, you should go. You don’t have to interact with your ex. You don’t even have to speak with him, if you don’t want. You’re there for her.
But if it feels more like a perfunctory invite, you’re fine to decline.
It’s been a long time since your marriage. All the water is under the bridge, but you should pay attention to your reaction. If it still feels bad, let the past stay in the past.
Dear Eric: My husband and I will celebrate our 27th anniversary soon. My husband sends Amazon gift cards to other women for sexual favors. Usually, these favors consist of sexting. I have recently caught him at this a couple of times.
We are seniors on a fixed income. We can’t afford this at all. He usually uses my money for these ventures. I am 68, my husband is 60. Do you consider this sexting cheating, even though it doesn’t involve physical contact?
– Frustrated Wife
Dear Wife: Cheating is whatever goes against the rules of your relationship. Your husband may be confused about what the two of you agreed on – sexting wasn’t a thing 27 years ago, after all, but I think he’s just pulling a fast one.
Relationships are dependent on clear communication and trust. Even if he has needs that he feels like you can’t meet, it’s his responsibility to share those with you before logging on to Amazon and firing up the sext machine.
If it’s possible for you to limit his access to your money, you should. He’s not acting responsibly. Tell him why you’re doing it – you can’t afford it and you don’t feel comfortable with the sexts. Even if the sexts were free, you both need to be on the same page about them before you can move forward.
Dear Eric: My husband and I were invited to his distant cousin’s wedding. Not only is it expensive to go to but we just discovered that the groom is an anti-vaxxer and (probable) racist through his long Facebook history. I’m Black and I’d be the only Black person there for this geographically isolated wedding.
We are already going low contact with a few of his relatives who will be at the wedding and the whole thing seems more trouble than it’s worth. Do we respectfully decline? Should my husband go alone?
– Reluctant Guest
Dear Guest: You already know you don’t want to go to this wedding so check that “Regrets” box for both of you and keep it moving. The couple surely doesn’t want anyone there who isn’t going to feel comfortable. Enjoy your free weekend!
(Send to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
