Dear Eric: I have an adult daughter who moved out but does not want me to change her former bedroom.
She had a breakup seven years ago that caused a nervous breakdown because of the cruel way it was done: packing her things up and mailing them to our house. She moved back in with us as a result of this breakup and started therapy.
After many years of therapy, she is on the road to recovery. The depression has lifted. Working, the apartment, an increasingly good social life.
Yet, she has trouble letting go. Whenever I mention that I want to redo her former room as a guest/sewing room for me, she gets upset. I have explained that eventually I will probably sell the house and downsize, and she started talking about robbing her of inherited wealth. I am still working and want to retire and cannot do so by keeping and maintaining the house.
My husband, her father, died last year, and while we all are grieving still, she took it the hardest as they were extremely close. I do not want to give her any anxiety, yet I feel imprisoned by her needs for everything to stay the same. It is as though her breakdown, and my husband’s death have put me on a life path I do not want.
– Imprisoned by the Past
Dear Past: While your daughter may feel powerless against her anxiety and grief, she has a responsibility not to wield either against you.
I’m particularly alarmed by her protests around selling the house. The inherited wealth objection sounds like moving the goalpost. While it may be masking other complicated feelings of grief and loss, this is still your house. Your money is yours to do with as you choose.
See if she and her therapist are open to having you join a few sessions so that you can have a mediated conversation about her feelings, your feelings and how to move forward. You are not giving her anxiety by making choices in your own life or closing the museum that is her childhood bedroom. You can tell her that, with love. And her therapist can help her process it.
I also hope that you are able to have therapy of your own or attend a grief support group. You’re dealing with a lot, internally and externally. Talking with others can help you figure out what’s yours to hold on to and what you can let go of.
Dear Eric: I’ve had a close friend for at least 35 years. She lost her parents first and I was always there for her and her family, attending funerals and the visitations after.
I lost my mom a couple of years ago. My friend texted me to say how sorry she was for my loss. No funeral attending, no visiting, not even a phone call! I was very hurt by it and still am.
As time went on, she sent texts on birthdays and holidays like nothing happened. I kept waiting for her to contact me to explain her silence and lack of compassion after my major loss, she knows how close Mom and I were. After two years of giving her a chance to explain but not getting an explanation, I now get an invitation to a major milestone birthday celebration of hers.
When she texted me, reminding me to respond, I said that we need to talk in person. I told her how painful her silence was for me all these years, as well as confusing. Didn’t she wonder what was happening and why we didn’t see each other for two years? Her answer was that she was going through major personal drama at the time, and it was consuming all her space and energy.
She went into it in great detail. Throughout the two hours we spent together, she did not ask about my family. There was no apology, no accountability, no regret and no acknowledgement of the pain she caused me. So, the RSVP date is approaching, and I am strongly leaning toward not attending. What do you think I should do?
– Neglected Friend
Dear Friend: Good on you for giving her the opportunity to hear how her behavior affected you. It’s a shame that squandered that opportunity and reverted to her pattern of self-interest.
A life filled to the brim with drama is not an excuse for not making amends, which involves acknowledging harm done, asking for forgiveness and seeking repair.
Without repair, you’re just going to continue to feel resentment. And the drama factory whirs back into production. So, decline the invitation.
No accountability plus no acknowledgment plus no apology equals no attendance.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
