Dear Eric: My daughter-in-law wants a much closer relationship with me than I feel comfortable with. She began calling me “mom” when she and my son first got engaged. I’ve told her several times that I would prefer to be called by my first name, but she still calls me mom.
A few months after the wedding, she began dropping by my house unannounced. I asked her to stop; she acted like I was kidding. The issue came to a head one day when she dropped by while I was in the shower. She let herself in with a key she had copied from my son’s keychain. I let my anger get the best of me and I spoke harshly to her. Later that day she sent a long email about how hurt she is that I “play favorites” by allowing my college-age son to come and go as he pleases, but I want her to call first.
Now she is pregnant, and it’s gotten worse. She texts me multiple times a day in the voice of the baby. “Good Mowning Grammy! I kept my mommy up all night with the burpies. Did my daddy ever do that when he was in your belly?” She wants me and her mother to go to her appointments and be in the delivery room. I have no idea how to manage my relationship with her in a way that doesn’t cause strife in my son’s marriage.
– Overwhelmed by Affection
Dear Affection: She’s eager and probably struggling to figure you out, but it’s time to say night-night to some of these widdle habits.
Coming into your house unannounced with a key she wasn’t given isn’t a whoopsie daisy. She’s an adult and can understand that ignoring boundaries isn’t a sign of love.
In a calm moment, talk to her about respect. Explain that you love her and want to build a relationship with her, but when she does these things, it feels disrespectful to you.
If she interprets your boundaries as slights against her or jokes, that’s a red flag. It’s manipulative.
She may not have had good models for this kind of relationship (unclear what’s going on with her own mom), but if she’s not open to hearing you, you can’t build something healthy. Ask your son for insight but frame your talk around what you want your relationship to be, not what you have problems with.
Forcing yourself to go to appointments will only create more resentment. So, decline. “I don’t think that works for me, but I can’t wait for the baby shower.” As to the baby talk texts … oh my goo-goo-gah-gah; I can’t believe I’m going to write this … ignore it for now. You can’t win them all.
Dear Eric: My husband and I were invited to his nephew’s son’s bar mitzvah. We are both in our 70’s. I have breast cancer that is in remission. We have made it a point to avoid shaking hands and keep our distance from other people. The family knows our feelings about avoiding exposure to Covid and other viruses.
At the dinner, a longtime friend of my husband’s brother pulled a chair over next to my husband to talk with him. In the course of the conversation, the friend revealed that his wife did not attend because she was home with Covid.
After we returned home, my husband and I both tested positive for Covid. We were both extremely ill. The parents of the bar mitzvah boy and a few others also became ill.
My in-laws admit the guest was the probable spreader. I was furious that they knew their friend’s wife was ill and told him it was OK to attend. They claim he was complying with CDC guidelines. My sister-in-law is upset I yelled at her and is demanding an apology. At this point, I never intend to socialize with either one or attend any of their future super-spreader events. My stepdaughter thinks we are being unfair.
– Furious Guest
Dear Guest: Your feelings are valid, but too much of your anger is directed at your in-laws. That’s not going to change any of the decisions that were made. Yes, your in-laws could have held a more Covid-conscious gathering or put precautions like testing or masking in place. But they didn’t and that wasn’t one of the stipulations of your attendance.
I want to be clear – I’m not saying this is your fault in any way. Simply: the risk could have been lessened, but what happened to you wasn’t intentional. Holding on to resentment is going to eat at you. Let it go.
However, I partially disagree with your stepdaughter. You established a boundary. That’s fair. If public events with too many unknowns don’t feel right, you don’t have to go.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)