Dear Eric: Twenty-six years ago, I became friends with another woman at the company where I used to work. We’re retired now.
The odds of us becoming friends seemed remote, since we seem to be opposites in personality, but our friendship has endured.
In all these years, we would get together for lunch at random times. In the fall of 2022, I suggested we lunch monthly on a regularly scheduled basis. I was feeling lonely during the pandemic and thought this was a good idea.
After nearly two years of this monthly schedule, I’m realizing it doesn’t feel right. There are aspects of her personality that I find off-putting. For instance, she can be imperious and rude with restaurant staff.
I want to keep our friendship, I just don’t want to see her every month. I want to go back to our random lunches (which were maybe five to six times a year). How can I tell her that I want to stop the monthly schedule and go back to “occasionally” lunching with her without hurting her feelings?
– Break Time
Dear Break Time: Some friendships are like an overly sweet dessert: a little goes a long way.
You’re right that telling her you don’t want to see her as much will likely hurt her feelings. There’s no good way of saying “you’re better in small doses.”
So, blame the calendar. Ask her if you can go back to sporadic lunches because it’s hard to hold a regular date.
You may not be able to go back to fully sporadic lunches, but, if she presses, try scheduling every other month and see how it suits you.
The parts of her personality that grate may still bother you, though, and you should say something about it. Servers aren’t servants, for instance. People can become petty tyrants when their stomachs are growling. But no one ever perished from having to wait a few minutes for a side of ketchup for their fries.
The next time her imperious streak shows up, kindly but firmly call it out. Tell her that it’s something that bothers you and that you wish she’d make a more empathetic choice. It’s what a friend would do.
Dear Eric: Like many of my friends in their late 20s, my life is still in draft form. There are so many moving pieces, but by now I have a rough blueprint of where I want to go. I work full time and I am also a full-time graduate student.
While my career goals are feeling closer than ever, other aspects of my life, such as romantic relationships feel more out of reach than ever. I have tried online dating and have matches, but I never make the effort to meet for a date.
I know once I get started, a relationship will add value and fun to my life, but how do I get started when I know it will make the rest of my busy life busier and more challenging? My friends and I talk often about trying to figure out balancing work life, friendships, relationships, and our mental and physical health in our 20s. How does one decide what to prioritize?
– Work Life Love Balance
Dear Balance: I’m not sure that anyone, at any point, fully achieves balance. And maybe that’s not the goal. I think of life in one’s 20s as like DJing, but not like DJing with your phone at a house party where you just hit play on Spotify and hope for the best.
Professional DJs mix live, moving the bass up, the treble down; sampling, starting another track that only they can hear, while the current track finishes up. It’s a lot of moving around. Every track is different. And there’s always going to be somebody out in the crowd screaming “You’re doing it wrong. Play ‘Wonderwall’!”
There’s no way to do it wrong. But you should strive to do it authentically. Prioritize your health. If your physical and mental health isn’t good, everything is going to suffer. So, if grad school and work have you at capacity, don’t worry about anyone else’s time clock for love or anything else.
If you have time to pick up a book, try memoirs others have written about this complicated time in their lives. I particularly enjoy those written by Samantha Irby, Scaachi Koul and David Rakoff. They might offer some perspective and humor.
You have more time than you think you do. When things are in alignment, you can add things into the mix – romance, other job responsibilities, and a larger social circle. It will not all go according to plan. It may happen out of sequence or all cattywampus. But if you’re staying true to yourself and making sure to take care of yourself, you’ll learn the steps of the dance.
Anyway, here’s “Wonderwall”…
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
