Dear Eric: My grandchildren are 23 and 18. I married their grandfather before they were born. I always felt like they were my grandchildren and not step-grandchildren. They have lived with their grandmother (my husband’s ex) because their mother was unable to care for them.
We lived three hours away, but we would take them for weekends as much as we could. We worked full time and their grandmother held much resentment that she and her husband had to give up their retirement years to raise children. We sent money, attended as many events as possible, or were made aware of, paid for extras like trips, car, tuition, etc., but it was never enough.
Through the years, I never received a card, gift, phone call or text on any holiday, or my birthday. My husband got calls and maybe a card. He passed away a few months ago. I made a point to drive to see them over the Christmas holidays, take them to lunch and give them cash gifts (I’m close to 80 years old). I also send cards with cash on days like Valentine’s Day, Easter, etc. I would have to text them to see if they received these cards.
I made a few phone calls right after my husband died, only to have it go to voicemail and then just a text back saying they got my call. I love them dearly, they are the only grandchildren I will have, and they are basically very good kids that have survived a traumatic childhood.
When I am with them, they are loving, full of enthusiasm and say they will keep in touch and maybe even come see me. Then, nothing. I know it is their age; young people are consumed with self and do not think about an old lady, maybe just wanting a call or a text.
Do I continue sending cards with cash? Do I initiate the phone call or text?
– Abandoned Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband and that you’re not getting the support from your grandchildren that you desire.
It’s true what you write: there is a generational lacuna that sometimes keeps young people from seeing the value of their grandparents and other seniors until it’s too late. But you grandchildren are adults and can be responsible for their actions.
With regard to the cards, turn off the ATM, at least temporarily. You’re showing love and care by sending money, but because it’s not reciprocated, it’s become commodified. It’s not your fault, but it’s easy to feel like you’re not getting a return on your investment.
Removing money from the equation will clear the way for you to have a conversation with your grandchildren individually. It doesn’t have to be long or overwrought. Say to them, “I love you and I miss you. I need you to call me once a month” (or whatever cadence feels right to you). “Put it on your calendar. This is the way that you can show me that you value me.”
Hold them to it. Sometimes the best way to show someone that you love them is to say, “This relationship isn’t working for me; here’s how we can make it work together.”
Dear Eric: I got into an argument with my husband and afterward I went into my bedroom to be away from him. My best friend, who was visiting, didn’t ask me how I was doing. Instead, she sat with him in the living room, watching TV, listening to him tell her how I’m no longer the same person and I’ve gone off my rocker etc.
I am extremely upset over the fact that she never came to see me and ask how I was. I feel like she really isn’t a true friend to me.
Since the incident, I have been cordial and have been treating her as an acquaintance rather than a friend.
I am not sure if I should continue our friendship and sit down to try to repair our relationship. How should I proceed?
– Betrayed Bestie
Dear Bestie: Your husband shouldn’t be bad-mouthing you to your friend, especially within earshot. That creates a complicated dynamic for everyone.
But I suspect that the complicated dynamic was probably already in place before you went to your bedroom. It’s very uncomfortable being alone with a couple while they fight. Your friend may have felt trapped.
Reach out to her and let her know about your feelings in order to clear the air. Ask her how she feels about the whole thing. If she felt that she was put into a position she didn’t want to be in, make amends.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)