Dear Eric: I worked in an office where I was bullied and harassed by a known predator who targeted me for attacks.
This employer handled the situation like all enablers of abusers: deny, blame, ignore, and marginalize the victim.
I was 59 when this happened and had never faced anything like it.
I found a new job and worked at this company for five years. My boss wrote the last of my always-positive reviews.
At the conclusion of this evaluation, he stated that I’m “not just a great employee, but also a great person” who is always reliable, treats everyone with respect, sets an example of excellence, and who made his job as my supervisor a joy.
I’d like to send a copy of this review to my previous employer where I was bullied to let them know that I was not the problem, they were.
Part of me feels that this would be petty and vindictive. At the same time, I’ve never had any real sense of closure from this experience. I’d like to let them know that this disposable human being survived.
– Getting the Last Word
Dear Last Word: Sometimes a little petty can be a lot of fun, but bullies and abusers have a way of wheedling their way back into our consciousness, and that can turn a petty party into torture.
You want your previous employer to acknowledge the terrible way he treated you and the value that you have as a person and as an employee. He’s not going to do that, and it will taint the joy that your evaluation gives you.
You escaped this toxic work environment. Don’t buy a return ticket, even for a victory lap. Frame your evaluation as a reminder that you had the ability and the strength to write a new chapter.
Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband for 27 years. Now that we are seniors, he has the means and time to take up a lifelong dream of flying a small sport plane. He is taking lessons weekly and loves it.
Great, you say? Not if you are me. I lost my first husband to a small plane crash that killed him and two of my best friends.
I was left to raise my two young girls by myself. It was hard and tragic.
My current husband came along when the two girls were nearly grown.
Knowing my history, I can’t understand why my current husband would take up flying lessons. It is very distressing for me.
My logical side says that lightning won’t strike twice, but my fear is my fear. I find it most distressing that he won’t consider my feelings. Am I being unreasonable?
– Earthbound Wife
Dear Wife: You aren’t being unreasonable. This is a major source of trauma for you. Even though it was decades ago, you’re still processing parts of it. This sort of grief is a lifelong relationship, unfortunately.
It is, indeed, a relationship that predates your current 27-year marriage.
Your husband doesn’t realize that he’s not up against airplane safety facts and stats. He’s up against decades-old grief.
Ask him to go with you to a few sessions of marriage counseling to have a mediated conversation about the way this hobby is affecting both of you.
The goal is not to get him to come down or to get you to come around, but for you to be able to meet in the middle.
Talk it out with someone who is trained to guide you through your valid feelings and to guide him through supporting you.
Dear Eric: I have a friend I’ve known for more than 40 years. Communication ebbed and flowed as we moved through various life stages. We live hundreds of miles apart now. Her life has been more tumultuous with the death of her husband plus drug and mental health issues with her children.
Recently, she has distanced herself from me. I respected her wish to be texted ahead of calling to make sure it was a good time. More often than not, she would promise to call in a few days, but didn’t. When we did chat it seemed like old times.
Our last contact was a text with her on her birthday last year. She didn’t acknowledge my birthday this year. I know her life is still filled with family drama. I wonder if I should even attempt contact with her anymore.
– Distant Friend
Dear Friend: Reach out but don’t be afraid to ask a “state of the friendship” question like “Does this still work for you?”
Tell her you notice your communication has ebbed. Ask if it’s intentional. It’s possible – likely – she’s just overwhelmed or not a good communicator. She might appreciate a friend who will put in more than her share of the effort.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
