Dear Eric: In 2012, my father died leaving valuable land as part of his estate. After selling the property, I paid off my two daughters’ homes, saving them more than $500,000 in future payments.
My ex-wife and mother of my daughters passed away a couple of years ago. She had a son by another husband. Her will and trust were drafted to leave her home and more than $400,000 in cash to my daughters and their stepbrother in equal shares. However, the stepbrother went to my ex-wife on her deathbed and whined his way into receiving all of her estate, minus $30,000 for each of my daughters.
My ex-wife told my daughters that I would be expected to leave everything to my girls upon my demise. My ex-wife was always controlling and manipulative, and I see this as her last grip on my life by putting me in this position.
I remarried 15 years ago and I intend to see that my wife has the financial stability to live comfortably the remainder of her life.
Am I wrong for feeling that my ex-wife went to her grave thinking she’d hamstrung me with regard to my children and their expectations of being “taken care of” in my will and trust?
– Willed to Give
Dear Willed: You’ve been backed into a corner from beyond the grave. Spooky. Your ex-wife’s will and trust is an unchangeable document. Whereas you, as a person who is still alive, have the ability to reset relationships while there is still time.
You should tell your daughters about the situation that you’re in and how it makes you feel, but focus on what the plan is moving forward instead of rehashing inherited hurts.
What do your daughters hope to receive from you? Are there expectations that you feel are unfair? Do they think that your wife/their step-mother shouldn’t have as great a share as they do?
These can be very hard conversations to have but they get more painful and potentially more damaging when one person is no longer around to have the conversation.
On that note, your ex-wife may have constructed this situation to get at you or she may not have been thinking about you at all. You’ll find happiness, or at the very least peace, by releasing her. She can’t do anything else to you, good or bad.
There’s a lot of monetary figures in your letter. Remember that while money can help us show what we value, it’s not the only way and it’s often misconstrued. Don’t put a price tag on your relationships or hope that a will can convey your intentions. Have the conversations you can now.
Dear Eric: I was an employee at a small company in a small town and got laid off a few years ago. I had been there more than 10 years and had become friends with the owner, who was about my age.
At the time, it shattered me, and I didn’t like the way it was handled. Nevertheless, I left with as much professionalism as I could. After I left, I blocked the owner on all media, so I could move on without thinking about the past, and I have. I got another job and haven’t seen or spoken to the owner since, though I’m still hurt by it.
Recently, the company has fallen on tough times, and I hear that the owner is not doing well. My instinct is to ignore it. I don’t really need to have this person in my life, though for a long time we were friends.
A mutual friend says I’m being overly sensitive and needlessly holding onto a grudge. What do you think?
– Ex-Work Ex-Friend
Dear Ex-Friend: Is it a grudge or is it a relationship that’s fractured? A grudge puts all the onus on you, but, per your description, the layoff wasn’t handled well so there may be responsibility on both sides here.
Friendship at work can be tricky, especially if that friend is also the boss. Work friendships can develop into beautiful additions to our lives and last for decades. But work itself is like a Vegas casino: the house always wins (and you leave with less money than you wanted to).
The owner, your former friend, made decisions in the interest of work. Though they were perhaps the only decision available at the time, it’s hard not to take that personally. It fractured your relationship.
So, this person may not be interested in hearing from you during this time of work stress.
Ignore it, with one caveat:
If an opportunity to be kind presents itself, take it.
You don’t have to reopen the relationship. But if your paths cross or if you find yourself feeling compassionate, a simple “You’re in my thoughts” can go a long way.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)