Dear Eric: My cousin (more like a sister) has been making some extremely rash and concerning choices over the last year. After she had her second baby, she left her husband and started seeing a series of borderline-abusive men. She is now in the process of signing over full custody of her children to her ex-husband and is impulsively buying a house out of state.
The part that is truly challenging is that she is unwilling to accept anything less than “full support” from her family and friends. She has completely cut off her sister, even to the point of not attending her wedding, all because she expressed that maybe it was time for her to get some help with her mental health. She has not spoken to her mother in months either.
I don’t want to cut her off, because I think she genuinely does need help and is experiencing something very challenging. But I honestly think she is a danger to herself. If I say as much, she will cut me off too. Should I stay in her life, so I can help when she inevitably needs it? Or do I need to take a harsher stance with regard to enabling her behavior?
– Confused Cousin
Dear Cousin: I know this is a frightening and painful position to be in; I’m sorry. If you can, try to stay in her life, but with strong internal boundaries. You don’t have to cosign her behavior, but she needs someone who cares about her who can ask the right questions, listen to her and help keep her safe to the best of your ability. It’s not too early to reach out to the 988 Lifeline by dialing or texting 988. A Lifeline counselor can connect you with local resources and help specific to your cousin’s situation.
You’ll also want to continue talking with her sister and her mother about her; she’ll need a strong network of care, even if she’s refusing to engage with them right now. And you’ll need support, too, as this is surely bringing up hard feelings for you. Please take care of yourself, too; talk to a friend or loved one about what you’re experiencing.
Dear Eric: My dad and I are super close. Or so I thought. I have six siblings, four of which live in the same town he does. I live many hours away.
I speak to him daily. Whenever he needs anything, I drive down to help him, often staying for days or weeks at a time.
During health issues, I stayed with him for five months, and was his in-home caregiver, fed him, drove him to all appointments, cooked, cleaned, did his laundry and have never asked for or expected anything. We had a good time together. We rarely heard from the others, some never.
Our family dynamics have always been terrible. My siblings constantly talk behind my back, they have been physically and mentally abusive throughout our childhood and as young adults.
My dad just did his will; he is 86. He has named three of the siblings, who never call, never help or check in, as his executors, as well as his power of attorneys. I am absolutely dumbfounded.
How do I resolve this in my brain that I am not respected, even though I am the person who has been there for every single difficult issue for him?
My siblings are rude, cruel, opinionated, controlling and dramatic. They choose to criticize and berate me any chance they get. I don’t get the logic, and I am afraid if something happens to dad, they will not look after him with his best interests at heart. I know it is Dad’s choice who he picks, but I am surprised his choice is his children who rarely visit or call over those who help without question. Any insight is appreciated.
– Disrespected
Dear Disrespected: I’m really sorry about this; I know it’s painful. Start off by talking to your dad about his decision. Ask him about his thinking, in a nonjudgmental way, and talk with him through his plans for care. Has he had conversations with your siblings about what the power of attorney arrangement means? Do they know what his wishes are regarding long-term care? Is there a system in place to help him should other health issues arise? Getting some insight into what’s going on in his head will help you to see the full picture. Ask your dad to talk to his estate lawyer about the possibility of you meeting with them. This may not be an option either of them is open to, but it’s worth trying so that you can get clarification and also so that you can be assured that your siblings aren’t exerting undue influence on your father.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)