Dear Eric: I had a very close relationship with my father, until he remarried in my mid-20’s. When he remarried, he told my brother and me that we would be excluded from his trust. He stated that he had raised us and was done with any financial support.
Since then, we have had a superficial relationship at times, and a conflicted one at others. His wife has manipulated him and alienated him from all extended family members over the course of the last couple of decades.
He is now 82, in poor health and has been dumped in an assisted living facility by his much younger wife. He expects me to assist him with many tasks, such as transportation to medical appointments. I live an hour away, and still have my own children at home to care for.
My resentment prevents me from having any desire to help him. How do I make peace with setting boundaries to protect myself, and deal with the guilt tripping that comes with it? How do I let my resentments go, so that when he passes, I will be at peace?
– Taken for Granted
Dear Granted: Often guilt trips are the last resort of a person who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions or wants. Remember that this is someone who isn’t communicating with you fairly or clearly.
That doesn’t have to be your inheritance, though.
Now is the time to have an honest conversation about how your relationship changed, how it affected you, and what you’re doing in the present to protect yourself.
He may never be ready for this conversation. But you need to say your peace, unapologetically hold your boundaries and ask your questions while you have the chance.
You can’t change the past – the way that your relationship deteriorated, your feelings about the trust, the trouble with his wife. You also can’t change him – his expectations, any cruelty or coldness.
Furthermore, it’s not your responsibility to untangle messes he’s made. Where is his wife? What’s become of the trust? It’s possible he’s a victim of financial elder abuse. There are resources for him, the Department of Health and Human Services’ Eldercare Locator, (800-677-1116). You can point him in the direction of a solution, while maintaining your boundary.
Dear Eric: My husband and I don’t want material gifts for our kids’ birthdays or Christmas. We would encourage donations to their 529 accounts or “experiences.”
We still intend to have birthday parties with decorations and a cake – they are one and a half and four years old. To us, giving gifts on specific days is obligatory, and even well-behaved children come to learn to expect them. We would prefer to give gifts throughout the year and attribute it to signs of maturity.
We are facing extreme backlash from family members. My mom grew up in a culture that didn’t celebrate birthdays, so she always envisioned making a big deal about birthdays for her grandkids.
My husband’s family is very traditional. We had a huge Christmas debacle years ago when we asked for no gifts since we lived abroad at that time. We received a hefty gift card and decided to return it out of principle, but it was not a pretty scene after that.
Are we supposed to blindly follow traditions just to keep the peace? Are we bad parents for trying to avoid materialism and change expectations regarding gifts? Should we continue to let people give gifts under their terms just to make them happy? But if we let everyone do what they want when they want, how do we incorporate our views of trying to parent our kids in the way that we think is best?
– Present Outliers
Dear Outliers: In your desire to be responsible parents – which is commendable – you may be also trying to parent your parents.
What can you control in this situation and what’s necessary for you to control? Your kids are young enough, especially the youngest, that if a grandparent descends bearing a wrapped box, you simply don’t have to give it to them or you can save it for a non-birthday time, as per your parenting style.
I worry that this is about the family dynamic more than parenting, given the debacle with the gift card that occurred pre-kids. Part of this is about principle, but an equal part is about seeing the relationships for what they are and communicating from a generative place.
Trying to get your family’s full buy-in is not going to happen. You’ve set the boundary, so stop debating it with them. Focus on what’s possible.
With all the parameters, is it clear to your folks when they should give material gifts? If it’s never, that’s fine. But if there is a chance to give them throughout the year, tell them specifically when.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
