Dear Eric: A couple of years ago I reconnected with an old friend, and I invited her and her husband to my cottage where she and I had spent some good times together over 20 years ago.
Back then I often had a few too many drinks and also smoked. I don’t anymore. But she still does.
Over the two days at my cottage, her drinking was to the point where she was unable to carry on a conversation and I had to help her to walk.
When she is sober and not smoking, she’s smart, fun and engaging.
I invited them up again last year hoping that I could be more tolerant, but it was worse.
She’s been proactive about getting together over the past year. At the last lunch, she strongly hinted about an invite for this summer. I responded by text to say that it won’t work out this year due to family commitments (which is partially true). However, the real reason is her smoking and drinking.
Her response to my text was, “are you breaking up with me”? I didn’t respond.
Her life isn’t going the way she’d hoped. She has a very fractured relationship with her teenage son, and I think her marriage is struggling. It also appears that she doesn’t have many friends anymore and the relationship with her siblings has fractured, too.
Do I disappear or prepare for the hard conversation?
– Dry Friendship
Dear Friendship: I suspect your friend may have had similar breakup conversations or been ghosted in the past. And she may be marginally, or evenly acutely, aware of the reasons why. So, a conversation may not be as bad as you fear, and it might actually lead her to getting some help. Give her that opportunity.
As someone who used to paint the town red with you, your friend could be having trouble adjusting to the new rhythms of your life now. But, from what you describe, she seems out of sync in her own life. You’re in a unique position to help her see that and, potentially, inspire a change.
Don’t disappear. What if you’re the only person who cares enough to express concern about how her drinking is affecting her and how it’s affecting you? Speak out of love and without moralizing. I hope she’s in a place to hear you.
Dear Eric: I’m a gay man (58) married to a man (61). We have been together for more than 20 years. My younger sister and her husband have been a part of our lives since the beginning and have never shown any sign of not accepting our relationship. We have all traveled together and have stayed in each other’s homes.
Several years ago, we took them to our favorite vacation spot to renew their vows and, in 2026, they would like us to take them back for a milestone anniversary they are celebrating. We are happy to do it.
We have come to learn from other family members that my brother-in-law often disparages the LGBTQ+ community at parties. My sister, while not participating, does not challenge her husband on what he is saying. We have not experienced this in person, but I absolutely believe this is happening and won’t tolerate that type of hatred.
I’m not comfortable confronting them about this with just secondhand information. If this is true, I don’t want to take them on a vacation and potentially have to have an unwanted confrontation in person if he were to say something intolerable. Do I bring it up now or just not say anything and make up an excuse as to why we can’t take this vacation together?
—Intolerable In-Law
Dear In-Law: You write that you absolutely believe that your brother-in-law’s disparaging comments are happening. I’m wondering why you believe it and why you would want to continue having a close relationship with someone you think is likely to talk about you behind your back.
Was this information a surprise or did it confirm something you felt and didn’t acknowledge? It seems unlikely that he’ll say something intolerable while on vacation with you, given what you’ve experienced thus far. That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t think and say disparaging things elsewhere; just that he’s no fool. After all, you’re paying for his vacation. It also doesn’t prove he does think and say these things.
Hearsay and hunches are just going to create confusion. So, you have to ask him what he thinks directly.
Then, you have to decide whether you believe him. And that’s dependent on the strength of your relationship. This is a vulnerable position to be in. It’s hard to have to say to a loved one, “Do you really accept me?” But you owe it to yourself to get clarity and peace of mind.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
