Dear Eric: Our daughter is expecting her first child, our first grandchild, in a couple of months. Our daughter and son-in-law live about an hour closer to his family than they do to us.
My daughter’s mother-in-law (“Nancy”) is very involved in the couple’s life and has a very strong personality. My son-in-law and Nancy are extremely close and our daughter has spent a tremendous amount of time with Nancy as a result, much more time than she has spent with us.
Additionally, there is not even a cordial relationship between Nancy and me. My concern is that when the baby is born Nancy will be able to have a much stronger relationship with the baby than we will, due to being physically closer, very assertive and extremely involved in all aspects of their life.
We have been told that things will work out once the baby is born. We have also been told to be assertive and clearly discuss our visiting. I want to feel wanted and not someone who has to always ask for time with the baby. I am at a loss as to what to do.
– Grandmother To Be
Dear Grandmother: Having a nemesis can be fun, sometimes, but it gets exhausting. Nancy is never going to replace you in your grandchild’s life. Moreover, despite her assertiveness, I doubt she wants to. I know it feels like you’re in competition with her, but try to separate your fears from your possibilities.
It’s completely reasonable to be anxious about how your relationship with your first grandchild is going to develop, especially considering that you’re not as close, geographically, as other branches of the family. Don’t put so much of that anxiety on Nancy. Nancy’s just living her life, as annoying as that may be.
You will have years and years to build a special, unique relationship with your grandchild that works for you, the logistics of your life, and the love you have to give. Give yourself time and try to be open to the fact that all the relationships in this family unit are about to change.
With regard to the visits, it sounds like your daughter and son-in-law are asking for clear communication. Their new homelife with a small human who will have a demanding sleep schedule is going to be complicated enough. It will probably help them to have advance notice about who’s planning to drop by on a given day.
Think of it this way, with your visits communicated in advance, they become special events and things for all involved to look forward to.
Give them the benefit of the doubt here. You’re wanted – and if it’s really in doubt, ask them, just to be sure.
Dear Eric: While volunteering at my children’s school another mother asked me, “Why do you wear makeup?” She followed that rude question with, “I think it sends the wrong message.”
I was completely flabbergasted and didn’t know how to respond. Somehow, I felt as if she was judging my morality and that my presence was not welcome around the students. How should I have responded?
– Left Holding the Makeup Bag
Dear Makeup: When I read your letter, I actually said aloud, “Oh, absolutely not.” So, you have my sympathies and my respect for not causing a scene at the school.
You could have asked, in response to her statement that your makeup sends the wrong message, “And what message would that be?” That is, if you wanted to see her contort herself into a pretzel justifying the supposed salaciousness of blush and eyeliner. Most nosy people can’t really articulate their bad opinions beyond “it’s just what I think.”
But sometimes the best response is to let people be loud and wrong and away from you.
She was trying to shame you based on her notions about makeup, but you wear makeup for your own reasons. Maybe you see it as artistic expression. Maybe you want to enhance your beauty. Maybe you just like it. All reasons are valid.
It’s your face. If she doesn’t like it, she can look at something else.
Dear Eric: This is in response to Present Not Accounted For, who questioned the convenience of having “babysitters” in the letter-writer’s current location, and then asked “Who needs babysitters?”
Who needs babysitters? Parents with kids! Parents after divorce who consider the proximity to kids who can watch their children responsibly as one of their main criteria when choosing a new place to live!
Dear Reader: I agree, to an extent. The letter-writer was, to my mind, weighing the options available for their own happiness. Naturally, that happiness will be connected to the happiness of their kids. But the needs of the kids and the needs of the parent aren’t in conflict here.
When making life changes, finding a path that benefits the whole system is the ideal.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)