Dear Eric: I’m involved with a man whose sister recently died. I rented a car, bought his kids clothes for the funeral and made sure everything was in order. The funeral was out of town. I wanted to be there for support, but he didn’t invite me. I took off of work and he left with his kids.
When I told him how I felt about not being invited, he said he assumed I wouldn’t want to go, but didn’t consider me or ask me. This isn’t the first time he’s done this, though. Should I just take it for what it is, because clearly I don’t matter enough?
– Left Behind
Dear Left: Try not to take this instance personally. When we’re grieving, we’re not always thinking about every angle.
If it’s a pattern of behavior with other things that aren’t emergencies or tragedies, try talking to him proactively to see if it changes things. For instance, if there’s something that you want to be invited to, let him know in advance. Or if you’re doing labor to help him, like buying the kids clothes, tell him. “I see the kids need outfits, so I thought I would take them shopping. Would that be helpful?” Sometimes we have to over-communicate so that we don’t feel misunderstood.
Dear Eric: My husband suffers from frequent insomnia. When he has trouble sleeping, he spends a while (sometimes several hours) reading in bed. He uses a small flashlight, but it’s still bright enough to keep me awake. So does the sound of turning the pages in the book.
He insists that I ought to be able to sleep through that, but I can’t. The sleep lost because of these middle-of-the-night reading sessions puts a big dent in my productivity at work. Our apartment has one bedroom, so I can’t ask him to go read (and sleep) in some other bedroom. Should I insist that he go to the living room to do his reading?
– Sleepless Spouse
Dear Sleepless: It’s pretty ironic that he’s telling you what you should be able to sleep through. Facts not in evidence!
While the Sharper Image catalogs of the world may assure us that tiny reading lights are the solution for unobtrusive bedtime reading, everyone is different. A half-hour of reading is one thing, but having a whole study session while you toss and turn? I don’t think so.
Kindly insist on the living room, at least until the point in the night where his medical condition relents a little and you can both get some shuteye.
Dear Eric: I’ve been dating an amazing guy for the past three years. He is the man I have been looking for my entire life.
But he does not seem to want to move forward with marriage. We are in our 50s and have our own homes and are financially stable.
He was married for a very long time and it ended in divorce. Since then he had a couple of serious relationships where it sounded like he was strongly considering marriage, but for whatever reason it didn’t work out. Him not moving our relationship forward makes me feel like I’m not important enough to marry.
I don’t know if I should give it more time as I think he is slow to make decisions about everything in life or put a timeframe on the table. I don’t know that I will ever be satisfied if I do not have a ring on my finger. Am I wasting my time?
– Impatiently Waiting
Dear Waiting: You’re waiting for him to pop the question, but have you asked each other preliminary questions about marriage and your shared future? You can, and should, have the proposal you want but the first step for every couple is talking about dreams, desires, baggage, and the like.
You have agency here. Have you asked him whether he ever sees himself getting married again? Or what his vision for the two of you might be? Have you shared with him your vision? It’s important to do this so that you’re not carrying around the weight of unmet expectations.
Your letter has words like “seem” and “sounded like”; it’s not unfair to ask for clarity. That will strengthen your relationship.
Now, if you’ve already had the marriage talk and it’s a non-starter for him, that’s another issue.
Because if you’ve said that you want to get married and he doesn’t want to or has met your desire with a non-response, he’s either not hearing you clearly or purposefully ignoring you. That’s trouble. Say to him, “When I talk about getting married, it’s because that’s a way for me to know our love is real and meaningful to you. Can you help me see where you’re coming from?”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
