Dear Eric: I’m attending my estranged son’s wedding. As the mother of the groom, I’m unsure of what my responsibilities are. More importantly, his wife-to-be is Buddhist. I have absolutely no problem with this, what I’m unsure about is the gift and the attire. I know that you aren’t supposed to wear black, white or patterns of any kind.
Truly I am stumped on the gift. On the invitation it says if you’d like to give a gift, please donate money to their honeymoon fund! My concern is the gift at the wedding. Do I bring fruit and flowers? If so, what flowers do I look for? I know the fruit is mandarin oranges. Or do I go with incense and candles?
I haven’t met my daughter-in-law-to-be and my son hasn’t spoken to me in more than 10 years. So, I have no idea how to approach this. I also am unsure how religious she is. How do I find this out? Also, since I don’t know, should I scrap the idea all together? I don’t want to be disrespectful to her or her religion and I definitely want to keep this door open and hopefully repair the relationship with my son and create a new relationship with my daughter-in-law-to-be.
– Respectful Mother-in-Law
Dear Mother-in-Law: Traditions vary, as with all weddings, so the best way to figure out what your responsibilities are is to reach out and ask. Now, if your son hasn’t spoken to you in a decade, you may not have any responsibilities. The invitation may be an olive branch or a once-closed door cracking open. If you don’t feel comfortable asking for more information now and they haven’t made any requests, go and dress as you would to any other wedding.
As to the gift, they’ve told you what they want. Donate to the honeymoon fund and don’t worry about bringing anything to the ceremony and reception – maybe a card if you’d like. Your desire to do this right is admirable. Don’t worry about messing up; if they haven’t let you know you need to bring something, they won’t be expecting you to. The way to do this wedding right is to show up with openness and gratitude and enjoy the day.
Dear Eric: I recently married the love of my life. It’s a second marriage for both of us and we are an interracial couple. We had a small wedding, about 50 people, with only family and close friends. We had family travel in from many states.
My brother, who lives in Texas, declined to come and said it was because the wedding was in California. He is very conservative. I was very hurt that he didn’t come to my wedding for political reasons and because I’m not sure if it goes beyond politics.
Based on his views, I suspect he may not have approved of my divorce and my subsequent choice to marry a Latino. My parents are deceased and I only have two siblings. It would have been nice for him to try to fill the void of my dad and let me have more than one of my family of origin present on this important day in my life.
Now his son is getting married in Texas. I feel, as Californians, we may not be welcomed with open arms based on the refusal of my Texan brother to come to our state. Although we received an invitation via mail, I’m not sure he wants us there. My husband feels we should go to show this is what family does for each other, show up and support despite our different beliefs.
– Conflicted Sister
Dear Sister: It’s news to me that Texans can’t go to California and vice versa. If residents of the two largest states in the “lower 48” aren’t welcome across each other’s borders, we’re in big trouble. How will famed Texan Matthew McConaughey film his movies?
If you feel that your nephew’s wedding will be a safe environment, psychologically, for you and your husband, you should go as a way of living into your values. Talk it through with your husband; you know your family better than he does and can point out any potential trouble. Neither of you should willingly put yourselves in a situation where you’ll be discriminated against.
Hopefully, the issue is just with your brother and not the rest of the family. Whether you go or not, you and your brother should have a talk because there’s a lot that’s unsaid and it’s going to come out one way or another. Tell him how you felt when he skipped your wedding and challenge him on any racist beliefs he has. For family, showing up is great, but saying the hard thing is key.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)