Dear Eric: My wife and I are in our early 70s and live in a suburban neighborhood where every other person has a dog, or so it seems. Consequently, everyone seems to know everyone else.
We’re both in good health but have noticed some of the younger underemployed/remote worker neighbors have become a bit overly solicitous. On one occasion, I left a fence gate open, and one of our neighbors discreetly came by and closed it (we knew it was open – there’s no need to keep the gate shut).
Last week, I had set up a slowly trickling hose to water a tree that has heat distress from a long hot summer. At some point, someone came into a yard and shut the water off. This happened again yesterday.
We’re getting annoyed at what seems to be ageist assumptions about our cognitive health (we are in good shape; I won an Emmy last year). Our neighbors think they are helping, but as we know, “the best intentions oft go awry.” It is frankly getting annoying and feels condescending. We like our neighbors and appreciate their goodwill, but how can we stop this intrusive behavior?
– Neighborhood Watch
Dear Neighborhood: Congratulations on your Emmy! Can I tell you: it delighted me to no end to read that part of your letter and I’m so glad you included it. Going forward, if a letter writer has won a major award, I would like to know, please. EGOTs, start typing.
Now, to the problem. I think the “dog in the air-conditioned car” method might be useful here. You know how sometimes people will leave their dog in their car when they do their shopping but put a sign in the window that reads “the dog has water, is in AC, and is listening to Led Zeppelin”? This is meant to assure passing good Samaritans that they don’t need to break the window and rescue the dog.
Similarly, if you leave a hose on, you may want to leave a sign near it that reads “Hose is watering the tree; please don’t disturb it.” You can also add “The tree is listening to Led Zeppelin”, if you’d like.
Your neighbors’ helpfulness may be ageism. Or it may simply be misguided enthusiasm. The best way to find out might be to talk to them a little more. You can correct any assumptions they have about your acuity. And, as a bonus, you can casually mention that you have an Emmy.
Dear Eric: My fiancé and I are currently living together and planning on getting married soon. This isn’t our first marriage, and I am crazy about him, which at my age I never thought would happen.
His children live in the house: 27, 21, two 16-year-old twins, and a 15-year-old.
I work 50-plus hours a week and so does he. The 21-year-old does 40 hours. The 27-year-old, who also has two kids, is home all day and the rest go to school online. So, essentially, they are also home all day.
Is it unreasonable for me to expect them to clean up after themselves? I come every day to dishes piled up and having to clean 45 minutes before I can even start dinner. Then, after dinner, I’m expected to clean the whole kitchen by myself.
I have no issue doing the dishes I dirtied, however why am I doing everyone’s? I’m feeling extremely tired and disrespected. Should I just move on before I get caught up anymore than I already am? And yes, I’ve spoken to my significant other several times and he says he’ll talk to them.
– Desperate at Home
Dear Desperate: Who was doing the dishes before you moved in? Who was making dinner? Who was cleaning the kitchen?
It’s possible that these adults, teens, and your fiancé just lived in a dish-filled mess with no food. But my suspicion is they figured it out.
So, what changed? Your willingness to provide domestic help is generous, but this situation indicates there was a conversation that didn’t happen between you and your fiancé prior to moving in. Namely: how is this all going to work? It sounds like the household didn’t get blended, but rather you were handed a long list of to-dos with a cherry on top.
Moreover, 27 (with two kids!) is a big age not to be lifting a finger.
So, you’ve got to stop. Full stop. And ask yourself if this is an environment that you want to live in. Maybe he’s not ready to welcome you into his home and he has to earn that privilege again. Every single person in that house is old enough to make themselves a sandwich. Ask your fiancé what his plan for fixing this is. If he doesn’t have an answer, that’s your answer.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)