Dear Eric: My brother is always struggling financially. Because I am between jobs, instead of turning to me, as he has in the past, he recently turned to our sister, who is very well off. We never get the money back when he asks. I am just the path of least resistance.
Since my sister couldn’t give him the $6,000 he asked for to pay off credit cards, I told her I would, knowing full well I’d never see the money again. I can live with that.
My brother thinks my sister gave him the money (I don’t mind that at all). However, my sister is making sure she calls my brother every month to make sure he pays $100 a month. We use a cash app to disguise that it goes directly to me. It’s going to take five more years to pay this off. I can’t take the monthly ritual and the drama around it.
I do not want to be my brother’s creditor. It is stressing me out and really bothers me, as I know he is doing his best to survive and support his family. I end up giving this payment back to him anyway. It’s insane. I want out. I want to be able to tell my brother that it was me and that I don’t want it back. I just want to move on, but my sister is adamant about making sure he pays her (me) back. What should I do?
– Wants to Cash Out
Dear Cash Out: Your sister doesn’t have a say here. She’s created a farcical caper in hopes of teaching your brother a lesson. But she can’t collect a debt that isn’t owed to her. Tell your brother directly that the debt is forgiven. And after that tell your sister what you did.
It’s so easy to put our own values on the ways other people manage their money. So much so that poor financial decisions can take on the weight of moral failings. The ways that you spend your money and your brother manages his money are none of your sister’s business. Or, as folks used to say where I grew up, she doesn’t have a penny in that nickel.
Should you choose to lend/give your brother money again, it will be helpful to have an honest conversation about expectations – yours and his. You may be the path of least resistance for him when he runs into money trouble, but you still have a right to say “no”, “not right now”, and “can we find a different solution?”
Dear Eric: This past year, my husband and I received three wedding invitations and a graduation invitation from our close relatives’ children. We were unable to attend these events due to them taking place out of state. We never hear from any of these relatives, and know that they send these invitations with the intention of getting a gift of some sort. We know that this is typical and normal.
We don’t have a lot of extra money in our budget, but were gracious enough to send a card with $100 to each of them. To date we have not received a thank you note or any acknowledgement from any of them.
They are all under 30. We are at a loss for words with the lack of gratitude that the younger generation exhibits when a gift has been given for their special occasion.
This really bothers us to the point that we don’t really want to engage in sending money or gifts for these special occasions anymore. How do we navigate our feelings?
– Disenchanted Gift Giver
Dear Giver: The problem of thank you notes and expressions of gratitude comes up a lot in the letters I receive. This is especially odd to me because there seem to be more and more of those little stores that sell greeting cards, chocolates, and housewarming gifts. Are people just buying boxes of thank you notes and never sending them? What are they doing with them? Making papier-mâché? Impractical.
No matter the manners, saying “thank you” when someone does something kind is just basic communication. As such, it extends beyond generational shifts.
Two options: communicate with your close relatives that their children dropped the ball or go directly to the children to let them know what your expectation was. It’s OK to say to someone “when I send a gift, I expect an acknowledgement. Do you have a different expectation?”
In the future, if you get another gift solicitation from them, you can always opt to donate to a charity in their name and let them know. This is also a good option for invites that ask for “no gifts”. At the very least, the charity will send you a thank you note.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
