Dear Eric: I met this wonderful lady a year ago on a dating site. We hit it off and have been together ever since. We enjoy the same things. We spend the weekends at each other’s houses. I love her, and she loves me.
The issue is intimacy. While I enjoy the closeness, holding hands, hugging, cuddling on the couch, I just don’t enjoy sex with her.
I find it difficult to perform, and even when I can it’s not satisfying. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older and my libido is down or something else. She says she is satisfied with our sex life, but I have my doubts. Should I tell her I think we’re just better off being friends?
—Friends or Lovers
Dear Lovers: Do you not enjoy sex with her or are you finding that you don’t enjoy sex at all anymore? If it’s the former, you may be better as friends. It’s OK to not be into it.
Or, since everything else is going so well, you can broach the subject of taking sexual intimacy out of your relationship. There are plenty of people who are in love and have healthy relationships and also are not having sex with each other.
If, however, the issue is focused more generally on your enjoyment of sex, I would hold off on ending things. It sounds like you’re experiencing some anxiety around performance, which is totally normal. Notably, if she’s telling you she’s satisfied, but you’re still doubting, there’s something else going on internally.
Maybe your body is changing, maybe you’re getting in your head. These things happen – quite a lot – and it can be very confusing. Try talking to your doctor or a therapist about what you’re experiencing. They can walk you through some remedies that could take the pressure off.
Dear Eric: We are very good friends with a couple we have known for more than 50 years. Their anniversary is approaching, and I usually send a card.
The problem is that the husband has terminal cancer and is unlikely to live out the year (pancreatic cancer – no one I know who has had this has lived out the year). Many greeting cards for anniversaries have sentiments like, “Happy Anniversary,” followed by “…and for many more years,” or “The best is yet to come.”
I know to avoid those, and to try for something better. If I cannot find such a card, I’d like to acknowledge their anniversary but be compassionate. Perhaps I’d send a blank card with my own sentiment. Any suggestions about what to write? Even if I found one with a printed message, I’d like to put in a personal note. As with my husband and myself, they have been a wonderful, loving couple for many years (they will celebrate their 51st anniversary.)
– Loving Sentiment
Dear Sentiment: The time is always right to tell those we love that we love them. No matter if it’s the end of the world or a random Tuesday. I think you should follow your impulse about getting a blank card and take the opportunity to express how much this couple has meant to you. It doesn’t have to be maudlin or melodramatic but see if you can find the words to tell them how valuable their friendship has been, how they’ve impacted your life and how grateful you are to know them. Maybe there’s a favorite memory that you want to call to mind – something funny or lovely.
Also, consider acknowledging that this moment is awful and tough and there are hard emotions all around. It will be helpful for them to be reminded that they’re not alone in the grief and fear that this diagnosis is bringing, nor is their 50-year union defined by it.
Dear Eric: The daughter’s boyfriend in the letter from Protective Parent, who judged the boyfriend for not going to college and pursuing carpentry, just may be a diamond in the rough.
The man I married 42 years ago worked an assembly line job while I had a more white-collar job and made more money than he did, but he worshiped the ground I walked on. During our marriage he was encouraged to pursue further education and got his bachelor’s degree through evening courses. He recently retired from a major aerospace company where he was making a salary in the six-figure range.
He still is there for me whatever I need. When I needed a kidney transplant, he was my donor.
My parents loved him and supported our marriage completely. I hope this mother learns to be supportive instead of critical and degrading.
– Happily Wed
Dear Happily: I hope so, too. The letter writer needs to look past their opinions about job prospects and embrace the person the daughter loves.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
