Dear Eric: I’m a 62-year-old female and have been married to my second husband (a 65-year-old male) for 30 years. Empty nesters. Never once has my husband divulged to me what his financial situation is. Now that I am disabled and don’t work anymore, I depend on him financially. He just tells me to not spend so much. I don’t by any means. I have no idea where we stand. I’ve asked him many times to sit down with me and plan a budget. I am on a fixed income, he still works. I feel like I’m going through life fiscally blind. What can I say to convince him to give me that information? What would happen if he went before me?
– Hidden Accounts
Dear Accounts: Let’s focus on long-term care and stability should he predecease you. Ask him what his end-of-life plans are. Does he have a will? How will you know what his accounts are, should you survive him?
A wise friend once advised me that every couple should have a binder where copies of everything important are stored: birth certificates, marriage licenses, deeds, bank account information, et cetera. Framing your concerns as questions about long-term planning may help him understand how important it is to be forthcoming.
Generously, I want to assume his reticence is due to machismo, i.e., he wants to take care of you. But withholding information, especially when it’s asked for repeatedly, is just awful in a marriage. If he doesn’t respond to the will questions, loop in the kids. It’s irresponsible for him not to plan and for him not to let you know what that plan is. The kids – be they yours together or not – can help advocate for you.
Dear Eric: I am a 58-year-old divorced woman. I have been dating my current partner for eight years. He is a talented, sensitive, complicated man.
If we have a disagreement, he can get mean, tends to call me names, monopolizes the conversation, and rarely understands why I am upset. He wants the focus on his feelings only.
I need to understand why he turns into a different person when we argue but I will not get an answer from him because he thinks I am lashing out and putting him down. I am confused and need advice.
– Confused Partner
Dear Partner: The way your partner is has the hallmarks of emotional abuse, which is a form of intimate partner violence. It is not your fault that he seems to turn into a different person when you argue. You are not causing him to belittle you, and it isn’t lashing out for you to express how his behavior makes you feel.
You two can address his actions in therapy, but the first thing you should do is take care of yourself and your emotional well-being. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 800-799-7233 or by texting BEGIN to 88788. Please reach out, even if you feel that it’s not that bad when you’re not arguing. Reaching out isn’t a commitment or an indictment. It’s a way of being heard, which you deserve.
Dear Eric: I’m in my mid-60’s and did not grow up using social media. Honestly, I find it silly to think anyone would care about my daily activities and dining options. Thus, I stay off all of the platforms. Most of my friends are on the primary social media platforms such as Facebook and X.
In the past I have hosted exclusive, invite-only, parties at my house. Modesty aside, some of these parties are rather nice with catered food and high-end wines. On numerous occasions, a few days after the parties, I hear from some of the people who were not invited. “Well, I saw on Facebook that you had a party. Why wasn’t I invited?”
As I am sure you can imagine, I can’t invite all my friends every time I have a party. I don’t have the space, money or inclination to send an open invitation. How can I respond to some of those who were excluded but inquisitive?
– Private Party
Dear Party: You sound fabulous and I’m envious of this fun life. But I promise not to pester you about it on Facebook. It’s presumptuous of anyone to demand an explanation for not getting an invite. That’s just an invitation to have bruised feelings. Wouldn’t be me.
Tell these social media sleuths that there wasn’t enough room this time or you were cultivating a certain group that would all get along. Modesty aside, tell them “I’m too popular.”
They can accept it or not. But you don’t have to explain yourself to them.
In the future, however, you might want to include a request to attendees: “Please don’t post photos on Facebook; let’s enjoy this party in the moment.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
