Dear Eric: I am 75; my brother is three years older. I’m dying of Stage 4 renal cancer that has metastasized. Before that, I tried many ways and many times to explain why I didn’t like spending time with him.
I don’t like the person he is. I didn’t like his parenting that was demeaning to his adopted son, nor that he said my stepchildren weren’t “real” because they weren’t adopted.
He has gaslighted and demeaned me our whole lives.
When I had open heart surgery, my then-wife asked me to tell him not to come in so she could have quiet time to contemplate; he showed up and kept talking to her for four hours.
In each instance, he turned the conversation to how hurt he was by my reasons. Instead of recognizing my concerns he demanded apologies.
As I’m circling the drain, I really don’t want to waste energy with him.
He wants to keep getting together and, when we do, he calls my ex to complain that I seem distant. Really, I’m dying and don’t want to be there.
– Distant Brother
Dear Brother: No matter how much time any of us has, life is too short to waste on people who don’t respect our boundaries.
You’ve been clear with your brother, and he continues to ignore your boundaries and those of the people around you. You don’t owe him anything.
And you don’t have to get together with him anymore. That part is over.
Tell your ex-wife to stop taking his calls. If you have a close relationship with her, she may even take on some of the burden of shielding you from your brother’s invitations. Lean on your support network here.
If you want to mark a formal end to the relationship with your brother, write a letter. But this is likely to invite more conversation and I’m doubtful more conversation will get you anywhere.
Better to spend your time doing things that bring you peace and joy – away from him.
Dear Eric: My husband of 40 years died July 21, 2023, and I’m having a hard time letting go. He was declining due to dementia, and he treated me very badly in the last couple of months of his life.
The pneumonia that he died of was pretty swift-acting, so we never talked about anything.
I’m trying to keep the good memories alive and shed the bad, but it’s so difficult. Any suggestions on what I can do?
– Grieving Wife
Dear Wife: I’m so sorry for the loss you’re enduring and for the treatment you received during the last months of your husband’s life.
Grief is never simple, but the complicated grief that can arise from illness-related personality changes and abuse is particularly hard.
First, grant yourself grace. This will take a while; it will probably take longer than you want. Let yourself be where you are in the grief process. You’re learning as you go.
Be very intentional about your focus on the good memories. Write them down. Revel in them. Reach out to friends and loved ones to reminisce on the good. Thank yourself and your husband for them.
This won’t banish the bad memories, but it can help them to recede in time. The bad memories have the advantage of recency and intensity, but you know they’re not the full truth of your marriage.
In time, ask yourself if you’re ready to forgive your husband for the way he treated you in his final days. Even though you know that wasn’t him, it’s important that you give yourself the chance to release that.
In the book “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief”, David Kessler writes, “The incident you’re holding on to is over… It will help you to remember that forgiveness is seldom for ‘them’. It is for you.”
Time won’t change how complicated the past is. But time does offer you the opportunity, little by little, to see the past in context.
Dear Eric: I’m a Foreign Service Officer serving in an American Citizens Services unit of the consular section of an embassy in South America. We get emails and calls from people who are in various stages of being victimized by romance scams and other scams all the time.
If Concerned Cousin (July 9) wants, they could reach out to the ACS unit of the U.S. Embassy or consulate in the country where the supposed woman is living and see if they can identify additional resources or even verify whether the documents she’s sent to the writer’s cousin are legitimate.
We’ve seen plenty of altered passport pages or a claim that someone “has been in touch with the Embassy” when they very much have not.
– Seen It All
Dear Seen It All: This is a wonderful resource. Thank you!
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)